


Teach Me to See

by LazyCakes



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alois Trancy is always a slut for glowsticks, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, Happy Story, Hurt/Comfort, Implied underage drinking, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Prostitution, Sad Ending, Suicide, The Four Frat Boys of The Apocalypse, University
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-06-10 08:41:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 37,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6948349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LazyCakes/pseuds/LazyCakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian Michaelis is a disgruntled Religious Studies professor who would like nothing more than to have all his students perform as well as his favorite, who harbors secrets and scars far deeper than even his professor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a very long, very painful fanfiction. I beg your patience in updates, and I truly hope you enjoy! 40 is only an estimate of how many chapters there will be, I hope to finish it in less, but you never know :)

"So it seems just about everybody got this question wrong on last week's test. Can anyone answer it now?"  
Sebastian clicked his mouse and sent a new slide onto the projector. His classroom sat in silence, and he was already anticipating going home for a drink. Of the thirty-nine students in his religious studies class, fourteen were obviously hungover, three seemed to still be drunk, two were asleep (or very close to being asleep), eight were on their cell phones, and the rest were...well, he wasn't sure. Smiling even though he was dead inside, newly-appointed Professor Michaelis stood up and stepped to his podium.  
"Anybody? Does anyone even care, come on now I know that at least two of you are just pretending to be hungover this is an afternoon class and you are not exactly theater majors."  
The only one to react was a blonde girl he had long forgotten the name of, who glanced up from her not-so-discreet tweeting under her desk.  
"Alois, please, at least give it a shot."  
The young man he selected looked up from his phone and crossed his legs the other way. He squinted at the question on the slide before looking to the exasperated professor who stared desperately, a few strands of usually sleek black hair loose and frazzled. He rested a hand over his collarbone innocently.  
"I'm afraid I'm not sure. I must have gotten that question wrong."  
His voice was singsong, like he had forgotten he was no longer at his retail job.  
Somebody sneezed.  
Alois turned his phone back on, and shifted back in his seat. Sebastian could feel his nails digging into the wood of the podium, and released it with a sigh.  
"Look, I know angels are really boring. Trust me, I do know. You all only have to take this class once, I have to live it until I retire or get switched to another course. Angels suck. But we can't move on to demons until we understand angels, and I promise demons are way cooler to talk about. There's all that gore and trickery and people getting their faces burnt off and whatever else it is kids are being normalized to nowadays, but we need to get through angels first." One of the clearly drunk students looked up at the board and actually read the question, but Sebastian could see that he had no intention of answering, so he turned to his foolproof option. "Ciel, please. Which of these angels does not belong with the others, and why? And don't tell me you don't know because you got a perfect score on this test."  
The boy he called out glanced up and slowly straightened in his seat, reading the board over with his exposed eye. Without a doubt, this was Sebastian's favorite student, not because he cared about the class- it was clear to anyone he had less than zero fucks to give- but because he did all of his assignments in a manner anyone could understand while still being intelligent. He had the best scores in the class, and could probably have directly rivaled his professor in knowledge of the superstitious world. Plus, he was really cute.  
"Oh, uh... Sariel. He doesn't belong because he isn't an archangel- he isn't even a monotheistic angel, actually. He's a Grecian one...a cherub, I think."  
"Absolutely correct! Wonderful!" Professor Michaelis almost cried in relief, though he knew Ciel would answer beautifully. The boy nodded his head, already moving back to carelessness as he began to doodle idly in his notebook once more, his grayish hair hiding his face. He didn't see his professor's slightly disappointed look; though Ciel may have been the best student in his class, he was probably the least interactive. Which was a shame in his professor's eyes, too, as Ciel really was exceptionally attractive, in spite of having an eyepatch that was poorly hidden beneath his uneven hair. He didn't know a thing about Ciel except what he had told the class on the first day, when Sebastian had gone around the room and called people out to learn their names and something to remember them by.  
He had liked Ciel almost on contact, even though he didn't even look like he was paying attention. He sat with a notebook in his lap, writing furiously with his left hand, his right holding his hair away from the left side of his face so he could see better. He'd stiffened, when his name had been called, and threw a wary glance around the room before standing obediently. It was the only time he had actually looked at his professor; stared right through him and answered each question Sebastian had been planning to ask, and in perfect order.  
"My name is Ciel Phantomhive, I'm studying for a major in human history, I transferred to America from Britain, where I've spent the last two years. Yes, I'm wearing my private school uniform, I put in on out of habit and realized my mistake when I got to class, no I'm not always dressed up."  
He sat back down and pulled his notebook into his lap. Sebastian opened his mouth, and Ciel responded before he had even asked. "I was in London, when in Britain, and it's about as interesting as its stereotype." Sebastian had stood in stunned silence for a moment before calling on the next student, but missed what she said anyway. He kept glancing back to the previous one, who had lost interest in what was happening around him. Seeing an eyepatch wasn't common and was cause for enough interest, but he didn't address it himself at all. His skin was pale, to be expected from living somewhere like London, and he had a fairly strong accent, but Sebastian had no idea where he would have studied from to have a uniform like the one he wore. He didn't wear it again, but he never dressed casually. Sebastian wished some of his other students could have the same level of professionalism; if he had to see Alois' booty shorts and high heels for the rest of the course, suicide wouldn't be a coward's option.  
From then on, it never seemed like Ciel was listening at all in class, and his professor was inclined to believe he wasn't, but he completed every assignment perfectly and on time, literally the only one in his class. It wasn't like Sebastian was a bad teacher, it was that nobody liked religious studies.  
That class dragged on and on. Sebastian hated himself for giving his students a test they almost all failed; he hated his students for not studying. By the time they were dismissed, four had fallen asleep, woken by the stirring of the students around them. Sebastian sat at his desk with pen in hand, noting the nature of the questions so many students had gotten wrong. He glanced up when he heard a hush in what he had assumed was an empty room. Ciel was sitting primly, hands together in front of him, and another student was standing over him. Sebastian didn't recognize the back of the person's head, but they were leaned over Ciel, whispering furiously and swiftly to him. Sebastian was about to intervene when the unknown student straightened, took Ciel's notebook, and left, keeping their head down and closing the door with a snap. Ciel watched them go, and then stood. Was he shaking? He pulled his bag over his shoulder silently, and headed out of the room.  
"Is everything alright?" Professor Michaelis asked primly to Ciel's back, his hand on the door.  
He paused, and his head raised.  
"Just fine." His voice was curt, as it was none of his business. He opened the door and had stepped out before he paused again.  
"Thank you." The door clicked shut. Sebastian stared at it for a moment, before turning back to his work. He went home not long after, and almost forgot the ordeal entirely.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian is nosy. Ciel is a stone wall. 
> 
> Did I say this was going to be a happy story?
> 
> I think I lied.

Almost a week later, Professor Michaelis decided that his students were not going to develop any further with angels, and told them it was up to them from that point on to get their angels down for their final exams.   
"Moving on, then, to demons, devils, and any angelic counterparts. You're going to be doing the next few assignments in groups, because I'm honestly too apathetic to grade each individual paper." There were a few giggles, mostly groans.   
"Each religion has a concept of good and bad, and like the good forces in each religion, all around the world, there are bad ones. These can vary, from being minor tricksters to..."   
Not even Sebastian was paying attention to his own lecture.   
Class ended with groups being appointed and assignments given, and Sebastian was able to breathe; nobody had fallen asleep in class, and he considered that a success. He opened his eyes lazily and watched the last students leave his class-and Ciel walk quietly up to his desk.   
His footsteps made no noise.  
Professor Michaelis straightened in his chair, expectant and concerned. Ciel seemed to lose confidence when he reached the desk; staring out the window, he clutched a small notebook to his chest, his eyepatched side turned toward his professor. He drew in a breath, and adopted an upset tone.   
"You put me in a group of idiots."   
He wasn't wrong, but then...  
"I have an entire class full of idiots." Professor Michaelis turned carelessly back to his computer with a chuckle. Ciel huffed in the cutest way, and walked away without another complaint. Sebastian watched him leave, and noticed something that wasn't quite odd, but wasn't quite right. He thought he saw a small scratch across the upper back of Ciel's jacket, like he had run his shoulder against the corner of something sharp. Which was probably what happened, but it was the way the light caught in the cut that attracted Sebastian's interest. The door closed, and Sebastian still stared at it blankly. He finally stood, and left the room, computer bag in hand as he flicked the lights off.   
Sebastian couldn't sleep that night. He tossed and turned and got up and wandered his house, but he just was not tired. Not sure what was wrong, he picked up a book and tossed it away moments later, uninterested. He opened the news on his phone. Nothing big was wrong, and not like he would be able to sense if it were. The air itself felt tense, and on edge, Sebastian sat alone in an empty house on his couch until the discomfort dulled, but even then he was not interested in sleeping. He was exhausted, but sleep would not come to him.   
He thanked any god he knew about that next day for coffee, as it became the only thing he depended on. Half-asleep anyway, he just assigned textbook chapters to the students and sat at his desk, staring blearily--but politely--at his students and the work they were not doing. He had placed Ciel in a group with Alois and a little curly-haired blonde named Lizzie, as they were both boisterous and somewhat annoying. Professor Michaelis had hoped Ciel's calm, if cold, demeanor could have some good effect on them. Ciel sat upright politely but completely uninterested between his two group mates as they leaned over him, both on their phones and gossiping about whatever celebrity was having a divorce that week, while Ciel had his textbook open in his lap, flipping through it patiently. Sebastian found himself watching Ciel blink with his one exposed eye, as blue as the heavenly sky his name symbolized. He looked away again before anyone could have noticed, his attention lost as he nodded off, his chin resting on his hand.   
He was jarred awake by a shout, shrill and panicked and accompanied by the scrape of a chair.   
"Don't touch me!"   
Professor Michaelis snapped to attention. Ciel was standing as tall as he could, having jumped out of his seat, and was breathing quickly and shallowly with a heavy flush as he stared down at Alois, his hand still outstretched to touch Ciel in some way that was clearly unwanted.   
"My apologies, love, but really, you're just so-"  
"-Just stop, please stop." Ciel took his seat again with a deep breath, closing his eye.   
"It's alright, but I do not like to be touched. You should keep that in mind, from now on. I didn't mean to upset you, Lizzie." He turned his attention to the girl, who was staring with watery eyes. Alois threw a glance around the room and all the eyes watching him, and scooted his chair closer to his group.   
"And don't call me love. This is Religious Studies, not Theater 101." Ciel had quickly resumed his cold demeanor, picking up his textbook from where he'd thrown it to the floor, and students slowly went back to what they were doing before. Sebastian watched Ciel, who bit his lip before taking in another breath, and closed his hands over his book to stop them from shaking. He seemed extremely embarrassed at the scene he had just caused, and kept his head lower than usual until he left.   
It was almost an hour after class before Sebastian pulled the reading glasses from his face and rubbed his eye with the heel of his palm, yawning. He pushed himself from his desk, gathered his things, and left the room with the click of the lights.   
Sebastian had reached his car by the time he realized he'd left his glasses on his desk. He debated just leaving them-it wasn't like he really needed them- but resigned himself to responsibility, and leaving his computer bag in his car, headed back to the building that housed his classroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is forgottenwoundsartist, and there I post fanfiction updates and art that accompanies them. Check me out!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel isn't as strong physically as he is mentally. And he is a baby mentally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad things are about to happen. I can't wait.

On his way back through, he cut a shortcut across the lawn, and was already at his car when he heard a small shout. It wouldn't have been much to consider, had he been further into the city, but he was still on campus. Hand on the door handle, he straightened and looked around. There was a scuffle from behind him, and Sebastian watched in mounting panic as two figures dragged and hustled a much smaller third into the alley between dormitory buildings. 

Anger replacing panic, Professor Michaelis followed in stealth. 

He lost his calm demeanor, however, when he saw a small black eyepatch thrown to the ground.    
"You're late on a payment, little kitten." 

The words were emphasized by a soft thump. Still hidden, Sebastian couldn't see what was happening.    
"You never asked for another payment." Ciel's voice, cold and unphased, sounded much lower than he was tall. 

There was another thump, and this time it was joined by a pained cry.    
"You give us what we want whenever we ask for it, kitty." The same voice said, interrupted by a second one.    
"If I said, 'I want your car', you would say, 'here are the keys'."    
"I don't have a car. You know that, Cl-" Ciel was shut up by more thumps, and the sound of a body shifting, and then a crunch against the brick wall. The shrill metal scrape of a knife being unsheathed finally startled Sebastian into action. 

Calmly, coolly, he strode into the alleyway.    
Ciel was being held against the wall by the throat, his feet dangling and a blade against his cheek.    
"You might wanna shut up, it would be such a shame to scratch your cute little face." The first voice belonged to the man threatening Ciel, the second to the one rifling through Ciel's bag, kneeling with his phone out and recording the other's abuse on Ciel.

A drop of blood had slipped through their victim's lips, falling down his chin. One hand was clapped over his eye even as he was being slowly strangled, and scuffs of dirt from being kicked were ingrained into his clothes. 

Nobody had noticed Sebastian yet; Ciel was the first to see him, staring without pleading. In one movement, Sebastian had grabbed the wrist holding the knife from the first assailant and kicked the second in the head. He lowered his foot after the kick, crushing the phone beneath his heel and simultaneously throwing the first attacker away from Ciel and into the other wall. 

Ciel hit his hands and knees with a gasp for breath, cupping his hand over his eye once more. 

He pushed himself up and ran, faltering horribly from what Sebastian had to assume were broken ribs. He ducked down and grabbed his eyepatch as he ran, leaving his bag behind. The two boys didn't seem to be up for a real fight, screaming and swearing as they ran, throwing blind and empty threats and trying to hide their faces. Sebastian let them run, more concerned with their victim. He didn't see which direction Ciel had run, but he couldn't have made it far in the state he was in.    
"Ciel, wait!" Sebastian stood at the entrance to the alley and looked and listened. He couldn't see him in the dim light of street lamps, and he heard only heard the assailants' running, still swearing. Ciel had disappeared, already. 

Sebastian was considering which direction he would have been most likely to run in when something small hit the pavement at his left with a weak splat. 

Another drop of blood had fallen from Ciel's mouth, where he crouched three floors up in a windowsill, pulling his eyepatch back to its rightful place. His movements were restricted by both his precarious perch and his wounds. Warmly and quietly, Sebastian called to him.    
"Ciel, please come down. Let me help you-"   
"No!" Ciel's panicked cry was immediately followed by a hiss of pain from straining his side.    
"Who are you? What do you want?!" He looked down, pulling himself tighter against the window as if to melt through it. 

Sebastian looked up with the dawning realization that Ciel didn't recognize him at all. 

That sort of stung.    
"Ciel, I'm Sebastian Michaelis. I'm your Religious Studies professor." Ciel squinted down, and his brow softened. 

"What do you want, then?"   
"I wanted to make sure you were alright. You were being attacked, after all." 

Ciel turned his head away.    
"I was fine. You shouldn't have gotten involved. Go away. I'm fine."   
"Ciel, I'm not going to leave you out here on your own after being assaulted...how did you even manage to get up there?" 

He didn't answer, but glanced to an oak tree a few feet away.    
"Please come down. You need to go to the hospital and we need to go to the po-"   
"No! N-no. I don't need any help. Don't get anyone else involved. Please." A half-convincing pleading eye looked between Sebastian's, but then turned angry. "You've already gotten me in enough trouble, as it is."    
"I saved you!"   
"Do you honestly think I can get away from this? Nobody will care if I don't know you." Ciel's knees were scraped and bleeding from when he had been dropped, blood tracking its way down his calves and staining his socks. His attackers had properly nicknamed him, too; bristled up but hidden away, he looked and acted like a little cat. Sebastian really liked cats.    
"Ciel, I won't make you do anything you do not want to do, alright? At least let me patch you up myself. You're very badly injured." Ciel's heel slipped from the sill and he pulled it back in, breath shallow and frequent.    
"You know I won't leave until you come down. You don't live on campus, do you? Where do you live? I can take you home." Ciel was considering, distrust faltering. Slowly, he leaned forward, never breaking eye contact, and then sprung to the tree. 

He hit it with almost a snarl of pain, his little blue-painted nails scrabbling at the branch he landed on. Sebastian cringed with each movement the boy made, damaging himself further. He was mother henning by the time Ciel made it to the ground, and rushed him accidentally. Ciel backed away warily, grabbing the tree with one hand.    
"Where did they kick you? Is anything crackling when you breathe? Oh, Jesus, you're bleeding like crazy." Ciel bristled as Sebastian's hands, shaking worriedly, fluttered near his wounds. Ciel pushed one away with contempt. 

"Just let me get my bag, alright? I'm only letting you around me because you aren't giving me any other option, and I need to make sure you don't go to the police about this."    
"The only reason you wouldn't want me going to the police is because you've been doing something wrong too." Ciel glared at him, pushing against his chest gently to move Sebastian aside. He passed him with hardly a limp, but he was faltering. By the time Ciel had reached the remnants of his bag, he had to lean on the wall.    
"I..." He breathed out, Sebastian quickly coming to his aid. Ciel extended a hand and tried to wave him away.    
"I'm fine, just winded."   
"Winded?! You had the tar beaten out of you!" Ciel waved his hand again, shaking his head. He began again, airily.    
"I'm fine, fine..." He definitely was not, legs collapsing under him. 

Thoughtlessly, his professor caught him and was smacked away. Ciel turned malevolent in an instant.    
"I'm fine. You don't need to touch me." Ciel was so firm in his fierceness, Sebastian fought the urge to step away. There was such a cold deadness in such a young face, innocence stolen or warped in some awful way.    
"At least let me get your bag for you, okay?" Already, he was kneeling down, pulling it up.    
"N-no, don't-don't touch my stuff, just let me-" he was too late, and that little black notebook fell out, the one he was always scribbling in in class. It landed open to a page of thick, disturbed lines of text, written so hard into the paper that they were smudged almost into oblivion. Sebastian didn't see what was written; it's impolite to snoop. He closed the book and handed it to Ciel, still spluttering negatives. There wasn't much else in his bag, really; another notebook, a textbook, a few stray pens and pencils, an extra eyepatch...bottles of prescription medicine? He saw a painkiller immediately, but didn't recognize any of the other titles.    
"If these are what you're concerned about with the police, you know you don-"    
"-Those are prescription, and all prescribed to me, thank you very much. Probably the only things keeping me alive at this point." Ciel muttered the last sentence. He sighed, knowing he was being very rude. 

"Look, thank you for the help, okay? I'm very appreciative, but it's going to get me in a hell of a lot of trouble, even more than I was in before you stopped them. I know you meant well, sir, but really...you're just doing damage."    
"Please, Ciel," Sebastian stood, bag in hand, "you can tell me what's going on, and I will not do anything unless you ask. I just want to help y-"   
"-Professor. You need to believe me when I say this; I do not need help. Even if I needed help, which I do not, I cannot accept it. I can't risk being-" he fell silent, having said too much, and stared fearfully at Sebastian, who literally towered over him.    
"Thank you for the offer, but I will not accept any more help than a ride home. And I'm only taking that because you'll never leave me alone unless I do." He tried to step away from the wall, and stumbled, but kept his resolve and stepped again.    
"Oh, for Christ's' sake, Ciel." Exasperated, Sebastian ignored any following protest and picked Ciel up as if he were a doll, shocked by how little he really was. He got a soft smack in the chest, but Ciel realized he would not put him back down until he had gotten wherever he wanted to go.

"You're getting blood on your shirt, you know." Ciel mumbled, eye cast down and blushing.    
"I'll live, I'm sure." Sebastian responded. There was something totally comforting about the boy's warmth, as small as it was, against him. He couldn't quite explain it.    
Ciel's complaining had turned out to be useless, as he was almost either fainting or asleep by the time Sebastian made it back to his car. Probably the first, considering the level of pain he already had to be in. He didn't even protest as Sebastian opened the passenger door and eased him into the seat. By the time Sebastian had rounded the car and gotten in on the driver's side, Ciel was buckled and brushing his bangs away from his face. 

"Where do you live?" 

Ciel snorted.    
"Shittiest part of town, lemme see this thingy." He pulled Sebastian's GPS into his lap, punching in the address.    
The car ride was quiet and awkward, punctuated by the GPS occasionally spitting out directions. Ciel nursed his left leg; it had been the one he had landed on first when Sebastian threw the attacker off of him, and it had to hurt terribly.    
"I can't believe we don't have snow yet. It's only six o'clock but it's completely dark out, and no snow." Sebastian commented after a few minutes. He could feel Ciel's eyes--both of them-- on him. He had a feeling that eyepatch wasn't just to hide an empty socket.    
"It's still cold out. I don't like cold." Ciel answered surprisingly easily.    
"You are wearing shorts, I'm not terribly surprised." Sebastian had answered sarcastically before he even realized it, and stiffened awkwardly.    
"Some professor you are, by the way. I didn't even know your name."    
"I admit, I was a little offended when you didn't recognize me, but I think it's clear you have bigger things on your plate." 

Silence fell again.    
"Let's not talk about that." Ciel said.    
"Turn right." The GPS said.    
Sebastian swiveled the wheel as he thought.    
"I'm not trying to probe, but you must understand why I'm more than a little curious as to how someone like you ends up in an alleyway for something that appears to be much more than a one-time thing."    
"Someone like me?"    
"Well, yes! You're at the top of your class and the bottom of the age roster, you're only seventeen--it says so on your student ID, don't look at me like that--and you've been in a private school lately. You're very little--oh, don't look so offended, it's not as if you didn't know--and you honestly have the oddest demeanor for it all! You're humble, and introverted, and distanced, cold even, and-"   
"-Hey, I didn't come to America like this! I'm not some, some, Peter Cottontail bunny, no matter what I was before I came here! I didn't ask to end up so, so...I don't know what's happened to me. But don't you dare think it's my fault."   
"So this isn't about drugs, then." Sebastian affirmed, Ciel stiffening in the passenger seat.    
"My first thought was that you were some kind of mule, in spite of the way they threatened you not matching it, I just- I kept thinking it had to be something like-"   
"-This isn't about drugs. Professor Michaelis, but I really need you to understand. I literally can not tell you what is going on. Not if I value anything in my life, or my life itself. But this isn't about drugs. Trust me," Ciel laughed humorlessly, "it's not up to me. If it was, I would have been back in Britain weeks ago."    
As he spoke, his pulled his hair away from his face with a hand, distracted with his injuries, biting his lip through the pain.    
"But you can't go home because of what's going on?"    
"Please, stop talking about what happened." Ciel positioned his leg back on the seat, and threw an inquisitive look at his professor. Finally, he spoke his mind.    
"Did you do your student teaching in City Central High in New York, as a history teacher?"    
"I- yes, I did." Ciel snuffed out a laugh.    
"I thought I recognized you from somewhere. I was a Sophomore. It was before the eyepatch, but I've always had the grey hair." As soon as he said it, Sebastian could see him; a little boy who was fun to look at, smiling and giggling in the dark classroom, sitting on the desk just to be tall enough to see the board on some days. He had been such a different person back then that Sebastian had never made the connection. Plus, he hadn't taught during that hour, only sat at the teacher's desk and watched the actual teacher do her job. The eye under the eyepatch had to have been normal, but the memories were fuzzy. He could hardly remember what Ciel wore, said, or did in any accuracy. Anything he could remember was an approximation. He seemed to remember rainbow leg warmers for spirit week, though. 

"Now, Ciel, I know you won't answer, but I gotta say it anyway,"    
"Your destination is on the left." The GPS interrupted.    
"what happened to you since then?" He pulled up and parked-- and immediately fought the urge to drive away. 

Broken glass on the street, coffins and headstones in the windows of the darkened shop? 

Hell no.    
"Don't worry, nobody bothers you because they're all terrified of the coffin maker. He's insane...but a good listener." Ciel said flatly, noticing Sebastian's expression and struggling to step from the car to the curb. Sebastian circled his car and pulled Ciel out by his elbows, gently but surely.    
"And as far as what's happened since we last met...let's just say I've made a deal with a devil who's never satisfied. And leave it at that." Ciel dug around his pocket and procured a rusty key. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure I lied when I said this was a happy story.

Every step he took sickened Sebastian more, up steps of rotting wood to a door of dented and rusted metal that matched its key, which had to be jiggled in the lock just right, and not saved when Ciel threw the door open with a god-awful creak. 

He flicked on a light from no later than 1930, and tossed his keys on the counter of a galley kitchen small enough to be on a sailboat. 

He stumbled his way through an empty room into a bedroom with no door, and eased onto the bed within, the only nice thing in the apartment. It was stacked high with pillows and blankets, and looked relatively clean. Sebastian did have to admit, that while the apartment was probably unlivable, it was as clean as Ciel could have possibly gotten it. 

"Trust me, just don't even bother taking your shoes off. There's a cat that comes around sometimes, and she's about the only company I get, aside from the rodents she takes care of, so don't be surprised if you see her. Sorry if you're allergic."   
"Allergic? Cats are the only things worth living for on some days." 

Ciel groaned, but not because of what Sebastian had said. Without the slightest flush, he pulled his shirt off and tossed it to the pile of clothes already in the corner, inspecting his side as best as he could, wincing quietly.    
"Where's your first aid kit?" 

Ciel laughed at Sebastian as best he could. 

"Look around yourself and tell me I've got a kit. The best you'll probably find is some rubbing alcohol and bandages in the bathroom. Under the sink."    
The bathroom counter was overcrowded with makeup and...hair extensions..? 

He had never seen Ciel wear makeup and he didn't even want to ask about the little clips of bluish-gray hair. He found what he was sent in for, but not before taking in his fill of confusion. Dazed with it, he wandered back into Ciel's bedroom.    
"You don't have a couch."    
"Had to sell it."   
"How could you possibly be struggling with money? You've got practically a full ride scholarship, if I remember correc-"   
"It's not because of school." 

Sebastian remembered the other students asking about a payment. He knelt down and inspected Ciel's knees.    
"Oh." He dabbed a bandage in alcohol and looked at the wound warily.    
"Just let me, I'm used to this." Ciel scowled slightly, taking the gauze from him. He bit his lip and pushed the cloth over his knee in a shallow, outward motion. He paused with an inward groan, and then did it again. 

"Do you know how to tell if ribs are broken? I think they're just bruised, but I'm not entirely sure." 

Sebastian stood again and Ciel lifted his arm so Sebastian could see the wound, skin already blossoming purple and black bruises. Sebastian didn't see anything broken, but he was far more concerned with the fact that he could tell just by looking.    
"Ciel, I can count your ribs all the way up your ribcage! When was the last time you ate something?"    
"Um...."   
"Okay, if it's taken you this long to remember, it's been too long ago." Ciel flicked his head in Sebastian's direction and met him with cold eyes.    
"I'm not gonna push it, okay? I don't see anything broken, and I think you're right that it's just bruised. But it's still pretty bad. Don't you have asthma? This could be really dangerous."   
"How did you know about th- is my inhaler on the bathroom counter?"    
Sebastian nodded, and Ciel hit himself in the head.    
"Shit, ow, come on." He cringed up in pain at the sudden movement. 

"What's the matter with that?" 

A hand to his forehead, Ciel used the other to gesture to the corner.    
"It's supposed to be on the nightstand over there, so somebody moved it. They knew I'd see it...I need to move again..." Ciel scowled wearily. Sebastian hardly heard him, noticing the clothes in the corner adjacent the one Ciel referred to. They were all folded neatly with the exception of the shirt Ciel had just discarded, but he had never seen him wear any of them, most notably what were definitely dresses.    
"Didn't expect you to be a cross-dresser, of all people." 

Ciel followed his gaze and laughed scornfully. 

"You'd be surprised how many perverts are out there looking for someone with a flat chest who looks young enough to be underage, and feminine enough to be a girl. But really, I suppose it's not too surprising. People are awful." He turned away and felt his side with flattened fingers, not realizing what he'd really just said. 

"Ciel...are you..." The realization dawned on Sebastian like an awful crashing wave. "...you're a prostitute, aren't you?"    
Ciel stopped inspecting his side and turned his head down. He didn't answer directly, but he didn't need to.    
"Thank you for your help, but you should go home. And forget everything that happened tonight." He wrapped bandages around his knees, having cleaned them. Testily, he stood and wiggled his legs. Nodding to himself, he passed his Professor and found a different shirt, the same design as the first. He left the bedroom with a pause at the door frame. There was a drawling "mroowr", and a little cat, brown and gray, streaked into the room, jumped to the counter, and looked to Ciel expectantly.    
"Hello, little one." He stroked her ear with a finger and she immediately began to purr, leaning into his touch. He made his way past her and she followed, tail up and alert. Sniffling, Ciel ran his hand down her back. 

"You act like nobody loves you." He baby-talked, teasing her though she didn't understand. Sebastian watched the encounter adoringly, not really sure what he was imagining it as.    
"Oh, go bother the new one. I'm sure he'd give you lots of attention." Ciel, crouching on the floor to open a cabinet, pushed the cat in the side gently, and she fell over onto her back, asking him to pet her belly. He laughed hoarsely.    
"I may have to take you with me. Go on." He picked her up and tossed her gently towards Sebastian, who she greeted warmly.    
"She's very friendly." Sebastian commented, scooping her up on her back. He held his hand over her and she grabbed at it with her paws, happy to have attention.    
"Yes, she sure is. I would probably enjoy it more if I wasn't allergic. I'm not even sure who was here first, because she showed up the day I moved in."    
"How long ago was that?" Sebastian asked conversationally, playing with the cat joyfully.    
"Last week Monday."    
"What?" Sebastian looked up and froze, the cat meowing for his attention as soon as it was lost.    
"I had to move from where I was before, and now I'm leaving here." Ciel shrugged, finding what he was looking for--a black duffel bag--and tossing it open on the counter.    
"Why are you going? Where are you going?"    
"Didn't you hear me earlier? My inhaler was moved. That's a threat. They found me. And I don't know where I'm going, but it'll be safer. Maybe."    
"Who're they?"   
"You know I can't answer that."    
Silence fell, as silent as the deep city could be. Ciel began to open cabinets and empty them, organizing their contents into the bag.    
"Ciel." Sebastian placed the cat on the floor; he meant business. He stepped into the tiny kitchen, trapping Ciel in it. His brown eyes, dark and intense, flickered with red in a danger he wasn't even aware he had. The boy he was addressing stood, bristling up warily. Gently, but giving him no choice, Sebastian hooked his hands under Ciel's arms and sat him on the counter so they were at eye level. Securing his hands on either side of Ciel's knees, Sebastian leaned dangerously close.    
"Professor, you're making me uncomfortable." He knew he was, just didn't care.   
"I'm trying to help you. Don't say you're fine- it's obvious you aren't. Why won't you just let me help?"   
"I can't! I can't...I can't let you-anyone- I can't...I can't trust anybody."    
He dropped his head away from Sebastian's, and took a shaking breath.    
"If anybody knew...I'd have more to worry about than an eyepatch."   
Ciel lifted his head and glared into Sebastian's eyes, only a few inches from his own.    
"Not like you even care. You just want good students, like Profe-"   
"-That is absolutely not true, Ciel. While I want good students, I want thriving students, and happy people. Forget that I'm a professor at all. Do you think you could even consider me an acquaintance?"    
"If you want the honest truth, this is the most I've spoken to someone I didn't already know in months. Would it make you feel better if I called you a friend?"   
"I wouldn't let you call me anything if you didn't trust me."   
"...I can't. I do know you mean well, really, but I can't. If I did...I could never go back home." Ciel laughed at himself pitifully. "As if that hell was ever home."    
"What home, Ciel?" Sebastian was using his name too much, and the intimacy of it made Ciel uncomfortable.    
"Did you  _ honestly _ think I went to a British private school? I was orphaned and moved, and that hell of a 'boarding school' for shaping up 'wayward' youth would kill to keep their reputation intact. They wanted me to be their finest case, because they already consider me a 'prodigy'...if anyone were to know about my secrets, they'd send graduated students after me. I would be dead in days, do you really think that I can ever be safe again?! I've always got to keep moving, I can't let anyone find me. I hope me telling you that is enough trust for you, so please just let me be."    
Sebastian stood in stunned silence. Though it was true Ciel had never shared those thoughts with anyone, he was also still trying to distract Sebastian from why he couldn't go back.    
"You...you were orphaned?"   
Ciel had tried to shove Sebastian away from him, but unable to budge the man, his hands fell to Sebastian's elbows, still holding his body around Ciel to prevent escape, and his little fists tightened in the fabric.    
He glared malevolently at his professor. He knew Sebastian wouldn't leave him alone. 

"...Sort of. There was a fire, but it was lit to cover up my father's murder. The murderer tried to kill me and my mother, too, which is why I've got the eyepatch. My mother survived...but not really. She was shot in the head, just like my father was, but it somehow didn't kill her. But it left her worse than dead; they know she's still aware and conscious, but her body is dead. I'm not yet old enough to order her caretakers to pull the plug, even though I know that's what she wants.   
"Whoever tried to kill my parents didn't expect me to be there. I never saw their face, but they only had two bullets in their gun, so they grabbed a razor and jammed it in my eye socket. It's...messy, to say the least. I can still see from it, but the staining makes it incredibly photosensitive, so it's painful in strong light." Ciel was just trying to throw Sebastian off his track by now, and it was working. 

He thought.    
"None of that explains how you ended up in an alley."   
Ciel glanced at the bag next to him.    
"I need to pack still, I have to be out of here by tomo-"    
"-Ciel, you have nowhere to go. And if you think I'm going to let you keep destroying yourself like this, you're wrong. I care very deeply about you, Ciel. You're my favorite student for much more important reasons than your scores." He didn't answer right away, still looking at his bag.    
"...I can't stay here."   
"Then come and stay with me. At least f-"   
"-No, no. Absolutely not. Just-no. I don't accept-no. I'm not able to-"   
"-Ciel Phantomhive, you are in no place to be denying my help. If you say no, I'll just carry you." 

Ciel knew he would, too.    
"You're really not going to leave me alone, are you?"   
A lock of black hair fell into Sebastian's face, resting near his nose.    
"Fine. I trust you. It's too late for me to say I don't, anyway." Satisfied at last, Sebastian let go of the counter and helped Ciel get to the ground. He gave a halfhearted glare, but Sebastian wasn't convinced. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prepare for tears, friends

Ciel curled up into himself during the car ride, folded like a cat and staring out the window. He didn't feel safe enough to relax. Sebastian kept looking at him from the corner of his eye, mind reeling.    
He had no doubt Ciel was telling the truth; all he had to do was look at the state of Ciel's life, and the way he acted. All except for pushing away help, but there was somehow still more to his story, and something told him it wasn't going to have a happy ending.    
"So...you still haven't told me how you ended up in that alley."   
"Why should I? I don't know you at all, not really."   
"You already told me a lot anyway."   
"I would've told anyone about as much."   
"Then why does nobody know?"   
"Nobody ever asks."   
"Oh." 

 

That was slightly heartbreaking.    
  


Ciel sighed softly.    
  


"I'm sorry. I don't talk to people much. I can't trust them...you saw what happened with that blond kid. I nearly kicked his chair out from under him and bolted."    
"Have you ever given anyone a chance?"   
"Can't afford to. They'd be used against me just as quickly-" he broke off, though Sebastian desperately wanted to hear more.    
"How do you do it all on your own, Ciel? Whatever's going on...how can you possibly handle the stress? And school?"   
He began to laugh hysterically, falsely. 

It was a horrible sound.    
"I don't. You saw my medication. I've had seventeen psychotic breaks in the past three weeks, and at least twice that many panic attacks or meltdowns. And that's while I'm on my medication."    
"Jesus Christ, Ciel!"    
"You learn to live with it, as bad as I'm sure that sounds."   
"Nobody should have to live with that."   
"I'm not disagreeing."    
Ciel coughed weakly, shivering, and Sebastian very suddenly remembered that Ciel still hadn't eaten.    
"And I'm making you food, when we get home. And you're going to eat it, don't fight me on this."   
"I don't trust food made by someone else."   
Ciel responded almost irritably. 

"Oh, come on, what do you think I'm honestly gonna do? Try to drug you?"    
Sebastian nearly snapped back. 

"Well, it wouldn't be the first t-!"   
Ciel stared up at Sebastian, petrified, breath falling shallowly, and then threw his head in the opposite direction. "...I'm a picky eater."   
"No, you can't recover from that, not if you just said what I think you did!" 

Ciel's lip trembled and he bit it, breathing in shakily. "Ciel," Sebastian's voice turned soft, concerned. He was sure he already knew the answer. "You were drugged?"    
The boy gasped in a breath, hiding it poorly behind a hand. He tried to hide himself in his jacket and the car seat. His breath escaped him in a quiet whimper, and finally, he nodded, tears tracking down his face from under his eyepatch. Sebastian stared patiently, wanting to cry too. He wasn't sure what he felt, but it was overwhelming. The need to comfort this innocent boy who was no longer innocent was the only command Sebastian was receiving from his brain, but he didn't know how. He could only stare dumbly, car at a red light, the bloody color washing Ciel's features with intense shadows, deepening his pain even more. He fought crying so  _ hard _ , but then Sebastian leaned over and placed a coaxing hand over Ciel's, the only thing he could think to do. 

Ciel collapsed completely, crying with sniffles and hiccups. His breaths were filled with voiceless whimpers, each one like a razor dragged through a cloth.   
"I--I'm sorry, I-"    
"-Ciel, don't apologize for this..." Ciel coughed weakly, dropping his other trembling hand over Sebastian's and closing it. Sebastian realized that this was probably the first gentle contact he'd had since coming back to America. 

The light changed. 

Ciel shuddered out a weak breath, and then another, and quieted. 

Sebastian had never felt so afraid of someone so small. Both of his hands could fit into one of Sebastian's with room to spare, and it felt like he was still getting smaller. He was afraid that if he held on too hard, Ciel would shatter like brittle porcelain. 

Finally, it seemed like Ciel was able to speak.    
"I...came back home because I always wanted to study here as a kid, but I'm also getting old enough...soon I can have mom finally be at peace. I tried to join a fraternity...I was invited to one of their parties, so I went, obviously...I had no idea. They--I was certain I checked everything I touched, but I somehow missed it..." 

His voice went high and cracked, and he took another breath.    
"...I would say I can't remember what they did, but that's not true. There wasn't one of them who didn't touch me, and they filmed it all." His voice had dropped to a whisper, broken and hoarse.    
"I woke up the next morning...I was filthy. They just left me there on a table...I...I didn't know what to do. I don't have any friends in America...I can't go to the police. Even if I was a victim, my care system--my hell--would kill me for destroying their reputation...or much worse. That sounds extreme, but...you don't know what they did over there." He curled into himself tighter. The car seemed to turn on its own, Sebastian barely registering where he was going.   
"I thought it was the end of it. I thought I could just put it in my past and try to move on. It's all I've ever done. But then...one of them came and found me, just before classes started this term, and he showed me the video they took. Filmed my reaction, too. He said I was 'still cute, but I'm straight.' So I asked him if that was so, then why would he touch me? He got angry, tried to hit me, said ‘that's not the point’. The point was that they had it filmed...they..." Ciel paused to take a breath, still shaking.    
"They had it recorded, and if I wanted it kept quiet, I would do what they told me. But all they really wanted was money, and I'm on a scholarship. I can't work legally without the consent of a guardian, and my 'guardians' would never stand to see me working any kind of job. I turned to the few things I could do that were sketchy enough that I didn't have any contracts, but not so sketchy that I could be caught...you need to understand...I don't have any other choice."   
Sebastian pulled into his driveway and parked, but didn't shut the car off. There was still much more to the story, and finally broken open, Ciel seemed eager to get it off his chest. Maybe not eager, maybe desperate. Anyone would be; who would want to hold onto that for so long?

"You saw all the clothes and makeup. I learned what people like. I figured out fast enough that if I just stand in the right places with the right costume, people will just come right up and ask. I had one woman tell me I reminded her of her son...I threw up that day.”

Ciel shuddered at the memory, looking sick. 

“It's disgusting. People really like the cat thing. Undertaker tells me it's only because it's on me, but I just think he's a little more blind than he’ll admit…”

Sebastian was lost. 

Ciel shook himself. 

"...But that's where the 'kitten' thing came from. I don't know how the kids found out...and before you even ask, I can't tell you which fraternity."    
Sebastian didn't respond, still staring. Shifting sideways in his seat, his hands took Ciel's elbows and pulled them close, and then he was wrapping his arms around Ciel over the center console, and trying to hug the warmth and love and caring back into him, foolishly but desperately trying. Ciel hesitated at first--who could blame him?--but slowly his hands crept up and held onto Sebastian's elbows. He was shivering, and felt so cold. His eyes closed and he fully accepted the contact, the first time in a long time.    
When he finally moved to let go, Sebastian almost didn't let him. 

But he did, and Ciel leaned back into his seat again.    
"Thank you." He said. "I don't think I've truly thanked you yet." He said. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you almost forget it's a sad story when the dorks are so dorky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may be asking yourself, "This story was supposed to be sad. Where is the sad?"
> 
>  
> 
> Do not worry.
> 
> It gets worse.

Sebastian was prepared to force Ciel to eat if he had to, but there was little need. Ciel tuned out a bit while Sebastian offered him things, instead studying his professor's house. It was modern, but impersonal; there were no photographs on walls or tables, no coats or jackets hanging from hooks, no shoes at the door. There were only four doors branching out from the main room, which was a combined living area and kitchen. The range was situated snugly in the island, which served as a separator between the two spaces, facing towards the television, couch in front of it, and two chairs on either side. It was very neat, but it looked like nobody had sat in either chair since they were bought, not a DVD case in the media cabinet, and a thick layer of dust over the bookshelf, though the room was painstakingly cleaned. He was startled back to the conversation when Sebastian abruptly closed a cabinet, and looked at Ciel expectantly.    
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"   
"Okay, yep, you're sick."   
"I--what?"   
"You were practically frigid, and then you were running hot, and you're sick. Don't tell me I'm wrong, you know you are."   
"I'm just tired."   
"Tired, and overworked, and hungry, and dehydrated, and under a lot of stress, and taking too much medication...Jesus, Ciel, I don't even know how you're still alive! Go, go sit down, okay?" Ciel wanted to argue, but he had recently learned not to question what he was told. Plus, he was right; Ciel couldn't actually remember the last time he ate a proper meal, or had a full night of sleep. He slunk his way to the couch, and slowly took a seat. It felt very impersonal, and he especially didn't like that he couldn't see Sebastian. He stood up and sat down again in one of the chairs, pulling his knees to his chest and curling up. He picked at the dried blood on his sock, and remembered that his wounded knees had been against Sebastian's chest. 

"Your shirt still has blood on it."   
"My body still has blood in it."   
Ciel snuffed a smile with a yawn. He didn't want to admit that Sebastian had been right, but he really was sick. Sebastian began to talk idly again, listing out loud different things that didn't make much sense and not waiting for answers to questions he asked. Apologizing for the house, it was only a rental so it wasn't exactly the way he wanted it to look, worrying about the fact that he had no food in the house, on and on. When he finally glanced up, Ciel was asleep, his chin resting on his hand and curled up. He really did look like a small cat, still somehow hostile in his sleep.    
As soon as Sebastian lifted Ciel, he knew he was even sicker than he thought; he was burning up. He fumbled with the door to the guest bedroom for a few moments, most of his arm space occupied by Ciel, who was half-awake but too tired to fight. He was laid down gently, blankets pulled over him and tucked to his shoulders. 

Ciel stirred, but not much, laying his hand on top of Sebastian's where he had been moving the blankets. Sebastian paused for a bit, and then pulled his hand out of Ciel's and returned to his kitchen, leaving the door open. He glanced at the clock and felt like fainting. It was only nine-thirty, and in a few short hours his perception of life had been thrown wildly out of balance. 

He hated himself for never noticing something amiss, but he couldn't blame himself for... _ this _ . 

He could blame Ciel for not seeking help, but then he really couldn't. There had to be some kind of other option, and Sebastian would find it.    
He could blame the nameless fraternity. Again, he remembered Ciel's story, broken and finally defeated, and he saw red.    
In his sleep, Ciel stirred and made a small noise, which traveled through the open door. He was sick; what do you do for sick people? Sebastian had lived alone since eighteen, and his parents were never the kind to care for their child if ill, and Sebastian had rarely, if ever, been a sickly child. Soup, isn't that what sick people are supposed to have? He had no idea, but it sounded like a good place to start, so he pulled a pot from its cabinet. He stared at it blankly, pushing his sleeves to his elbows. He didn't not like to cook, he just didn't think he was very good at it. Wandering around for ingredients, he almost tripped over Ciel's bag, which had been accidentally left on the floor, and when he kicked it had dislodged a few things he didn't see before, including Ciel's phone, which had a new message. 

Did he dare to check it? Snooping is rude, yes, but what if it was from someone hurting Ciel? He could find some way to get them in trouble that didn't even involve Ciel, so they would leave him alone...but snooping is rude. It was none of Sebastian's business, and no matter how determined he was to make it be, he would not force that upon Ciel.    
Enough had been forced upon the poor young man already. 

He pushed the phone back into Ciel's bag and placed it on the other side of the island, which served as a table.    
Now, back to soup. Sebastian was staring at the pot for at least three minutes before he realized he needed water. 

"This will be an adventure." He muttered to himself, brushing his hair out of his face in exasperation at himself, ridiculously confused. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lol dorks
> 
> Look I'm a very professional person okay sometimes we just need a little emotional constipation

Ciel woke up very abruptly, unsure of where he was or who was with him, why he was wearing his jacket still or why his sides ached. And then he saw Sebastian's back out the open door, and remembered what had happened, who had been there, and most importantly, who he had been with. Silent, he pulled himself out of the bed--he couldn't sleep without his medication--and looked again at Sebastian's back. Was he humming? How long had Ciel slept for? He felt like a lifetime had passed; if he glanced at the clock he would've known it was hardly ten minutes. Didn't he fall asleep in the chair? As soon as he stood he was certain he was sick, but he was used to dealing with his problems on his own by now. There was too much going on to be sick. Besides, even if he was sick, he needed to take his medication. He prayed for anyone who would have to deal with him without it.    
Whatever Sebastian was making smelled delicious; maybe Ciel was more hungry than he thought he was. He'd gotten used to being hungry, so he wasn't going to be picky. He wandered his way into the kitchen, curious. Sebastian didn't react, and Ciel didn't consider that he didn't know Ciel was awake yet. Standing right at Sebastian's shoulder, he couldn't see what was in the pot; he was just too short. He put his hands on Sebastian's arm and used it to get a bit taller, up on tiptoe and trying to peek into the pot.    
Sebastian felt cold little hands on his forearm, and turned to see what Ciel needed. Of course, he leaned down to meet his eye level, expecting him to be shorter, and standing further back. He remained unaware that Ciel was on tiptoe, and leaned in, until their faces met.    
Even then, they both stood blankly like that.    
Would it have qualified as kissing? Probably? Ciel bristled after hitting realization, and startled away. Sebastian laughed easily, trying to break the tension he knew would come. Flustered and flushed, Ciel jerked his head away and covered his mouth with a hand.    
"I, uhm...s--sorry..."   
"Well, that's one way to find out you're awake. Are you feeling any better?" Sebastian rubbed at his neck, internally panicked. Ciel didn't answer. Sebastian continued to panic, worried that Ciel might faint again, embarrassed. He was so red, and he was breathing really heavily.    
"I just wanted to know what you were making...sorry. I didn't mean to--sorry."   
"Don't apologize when nothing's wrong, it's really okay. Are you feeling any better?"    
"N...no, not really. How long did I sleep for?"   
"Not long. Are you hungry, or do you just want to go back to bed?"   
It was far too awkward to stay awake at this point, Ciel thought.    
"I would like to go back to sleep, but I need my medication first...it was all tossed in my bag."   
"Oh, it's just there." Sebastian lifted a hand in the direction, flushed himself. Ciel had to jump up to reach his bag, puffing cutely. While he couldn't fathom doing it himself, it wasn't hard for Sebastian to see why someone would pay Ciel for his company.    
He naturally had an air of something strange, something...alluring? It wasn't like he tried to be as desirable as he made others feel he was, and hell, the kid had an eyepatch. If human beauty was based on symmetry, he was breaking the rules in the most attractive way. But even with that, he was something sort of mystical. Sebastian felt that if Ciel sang, he would be no different from a siren. It was that very same mysterious air that attracted Sebastian on the first day of class.   
Sebastian pushed his train of thought to the side momentarily as Ciel pulled out bottle after bottle of medication.    
"That's going to need a lot of water." He connected, already getting a glass. It seemed Ciel didn't notice what he had said until he handed him the cup, now filled with tap water. Ciel hesitated just barely, and Sebastian's little heart broke.    
"Thank you."   
He took all the pills he needed from their bottles, holding at least seven capsules in one hand, and popped them into his mouth at the same time, downing half the glass of water with them, and ended the ordeal with a grimace. Politely, he placed the glass on the counter with both hands. He stood for a moment, almost wavering with a nonexistent wind. "I need to stay standing after I take them for a few minutes, or else I throw it all up again." He explained flatly. 

"That may be due to just the amount of pills you take at once, I can't believe that's the intended way to take those?" 

Ciel shrugged and took another sip of water.    
"I don't know, it's not as if most of these really work anyway."   
"I'm sure they work, you're just in such a position that the help isn't enough."   
"Probably." 

Sebastian remembered their faces touching and found himself staring at Ciel's lips, somehow beautiful when flushed. He wanted to grab him by the waist, pull him close and force their lips together again. As if that could somehow make it less awkward. 

Instead, he clenched his fists and looked away. Ciel yawned behind a hand, opening his eye sleepily. Already bleary, it seemed like he had forgotten the ordeal. 

He hadn't, but he couldn't stand accepting it.    
"I'm, I'm going back to sleep." Ciel took a step away from the counter and had to stop, brace himself against it.    
"Little out of breath?" Sebastian laughed, reaching out a hand that Ciel airily waved away.   
"You would think-" 

Did he laugh? It was more like a gasp of breath.    
"-You would think that with everything I do, I would be able to handle something like that better."   
Ciel stood, smoothing his hair down. He was at the door to the guest bedroom when something dawned on his teacher.    
"Was that your first kiss?"   
"That was a kiss?...I mean, yeah, I guess it was. That's, uh, awkward."   
Ciel closed the door with a gentle click. Sebastian grabbed the counter and ran a hand through his hair, stunned and breathless. He tried to turn back to the soup, but it was useless; Ciel had just gone to sleep. Sebastian would never wake him up to make him eat what he wasn't hungry for. Even so, he couldn't stop thinking about how  _ he had basically just kissed a student _ , and a really cute one. He pushed a hand across his face, exhilarated and exasperated.   
Sebastian wasn't gay...definitely not straight, hell no, but whatever he was, he didn't like what it was making him think. Whatever he was, he needed to not be, because it was making him irrationally angry. He hadn't had lack of control over himself like this since he was a teenager, when bad decisions were the only ones you make. 

Sebastian wouldn't know it for a long time, but he needed Ciel as much as he thought Ciel needed him. Or anyone. Sebastian didn't know he couldn't live without him, not yet, and he was close enough to touch but lethal enough to disappear, and the last thing Sebastian wanted was to scare the poor boy away. 

After everything he'd been through, he just needed support. 

  
Resigning himself to waste his efforts, he dumped the half-assed soup down the drain and left the pot on the counter, putting Ciel's cup into the dishwasher from where he had left it. Trying his hardest to put it out of his mind, he went to his own bedroom, closing the door with a clack. He was glad he bothered to close the door that morning; the room was a mess. His bedsheets were thrown all over, pillows on the floor. Sebastian was a notoriously restless sleeper, mind awake at all hours. Often, he would just wear himself down until he could not open his eyes, and then just collapse where he may. He yawned as he pulled his belt off and tossed it over a chair, pants following it in a mess, and he flopped down. 

  
It had hardly felt like he had closed his eyes when sunlight was streaming into them, and Sebastian cracked them open, staring at his closed door. And then he remembered last night, and sat up so quickly he almost gave himself a headache. Was Ciel even still there?! He wouldn't have left, would he? Trying to stay calm, Sebastian forced himself to dress slowly. 

  
He threw the door open to the guest room, looking first from the neatly made bed to the untouched window. Ciel was not there, and with his bag gone too, it was like he had never come in the first place. Even the cup he’d stuck in the dishwasher and the pot on the counter had been washed and put away. Sebastian stumbled over his own feet, struggling to breathe. He didn't know what to do, how could he have known what to do? The only place he knew Ciel used to frequent was his best--his only--shot. Without eating breakfast or even grabbing a jacket, he got into his car and pulled up the last destination his GPS had taken him. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian discovers another fly trapped in the web of control he's trying to free Ciel from, but can their offers of help really help at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about anyone else, but to me, there is something really funny about how much Sebastian uses religious terms in vain. 
> 
> Then again, I did make him a Religious Studies Professor out of pure irony...

In daylight, the mortician's was possibly less intimidating, but it still seemed like a very bad place to bring the body of a loved one. The thought of having to bring Ciel to a place like this if he didn't find him fast gave him the strength to go inside.    
A bell didn't signal when the door was opened; instead, a bone clacked against the frame. There was a loud, constant sort of thumping in the ceiling, and Sebastian was not convinced that he didn't see mold growing in the corners of it. Sebastian caught a glimpse of long, blood-red hair and almost walked right back out. Too late, unfortunately, and the other man was already cooing. 

Professor Grell Sutcliffe, perhaps the university's most dramatic professor, had been lounging on the counter, jumping down when he saw Sebastian, his far more professional coworker.    
"Sebastiaaan, imagine seeing you here!..Erh, what on earth are you doing here?"    
Professor Michaelis deftly sidestepped his coworker's attempt to hug him.    
"I could ask you the same thing, but for the sake of time, I won't. I'm looking for a boy with gray hair and an eyepatch. I mean, not just any gray-haired boy with an eyepatch, a specific one."   
"Oooh, Sebastian! I had no idea you were so...naughty..." Grell lowered his eyes and purred, trying to stand on tiptoe and lean his chest against Sebastian's. He nearly fell over when Sebastian stepped back, and a third man Sebastian hadn't seen at first began to laugh, giggling childishly into his hand. It was very difficult to see him in the dim light, but it looked like he at least had hair as long as Grell's, though this man's was white, and scars were etched deep into his face. But, for as much as Sebastian could make out, it could've been paint.    
"No, I'm not looking for him for that...you know who I'm talking about?"   
"Of course, Bassy, he's my student too! And coworker, too, actually, how funny is that? Though he's with an appointment right now, so you'll have to wait, but-"   
"-Grell, what are you saying? That you're a--a?"   
"Of course, Sebastian, did you really not know? Goodness, and I didn't even try to hide that much!" Grell jumped back up onto the counter, deliberately allowing the shoulder of his jacket to fall. 

How this man ever became a teacher, Sebastian couldn't fathom.    
Upset, he was about to walk out when there was a loud scream from above them. Everyone froze, staring up at the part of the ceiling the sound had come from.    
"Was that-"   
"Yes."   
"Is he-"   
"Not sure." There was a loud thumping sort of sound, and Ciel cried out again. Sebastian twitched towards the door, but the third man threw his hand out to stop him.    
"He's got something he's supposed to do if he's actually in trouble."    
"Sounds like his appointment's just trying to get done before the hour." Grell speculated, glancing at the clock in the lightest corner of the store. There was a string of odd sounds, and then a sound very much like someone being hit with a book. Sebastian twitched towards the door again.    
"I think you're correct. This one's pretty rough on him, isn't he?" The third man began to carelessly rearrange jars under the counter.    
"He can take it." Grell responded confidently.    
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Sebastian interjected, hushed by both of them. Ciel was crying out, but if he was trying to say something, it was hard to tell, and the thumping was louder and faster than ever, and a metallic grinding sound was growing just as quickly. Abruptly, it all stopped, and footsteps could be heard moving from where the crying had come from to where Sebastian remembered the bathroom being, and then down the stairs outside. A man in a very professional business suit, hardly wrinkled, came out and walked away as if he had only had coffee with a friend. Grell turned back to Sebastian, but he was already out of the shop and rushing up the stairs.    
In retrospect, he maybe should've waited before throwing the door in with a cry. But he was worried, and he didn't tend to make the best decisions when he was concerned. Ciel was laying amidst the fluffy blankets of the still-shaking bed, staring up at the ceiling and struggling for breath. Even from where Sebastian was, he could see Ciel's child-sized chest heaving. He was staring up with a dazed sort of expression, his fists balled up in the comforter, and quietly asked,   
"What did you forget?"   
"To lock you into your room." Sebastian responded, crossing his arms. Ciel let out a surprised sound and cocooned himself within the blankets, trying to hide the painfully obvious facts that he was wearing the remains of his 'private school uniform'.    
"What are you doing here?"   
"What are  _ you _ doing here?!" Sebastian cried out, stepping into the apartment.    
"I had an appointment, clearly!"   
"How did you even get here?! You're way too sick to be doing this!"   
"I...I walked..."   
"Jesus Christ, Ciel!" Sebastian went limp against the frame of the bedroom doorway. "How were you planning on getting back?!" 

With a scowl, Ciel sat up and began to try fixing his clothes. He tried to smooth his hair down with a hand. 

"I wasn't. Your house isn't my house, I have no right to be there."   
"Yes, you do!" Sebastian cried, stepping into the room. Ciel kept his head down.    
"Professor, really, I-"   
"-oh, God, please don't call me professor ever again. It's really fine to call me Sebastian."   
"Well, Sebastian, you shouldn't care about me, shouldn't worry. You don't need to get into this mess." He paused with a gasp, finding an especially painful bruise on his side as he tried to button his jacket. Sebastian knelt and grabbed Ciel's knees, pulling him to the edge of the bed with the intention to help him. Ciel grabbed Sebastian's shoulders and pushed away warily. His hand closed around something in his pocket.    
"Oh come on now, I'm only trying to help you." They stared one another down, until Ciel submitted, lowering his eyes and resigning himself to doing what Sebastian said. Mouth a thin line, Sebastian was being very rough, pulling the sides of Ciel's jacket together with enough force to rip the buttons right off. Ciel recoiled, and Sebastian sighed out his anger, straightening Ciel's collar.    
"What's the matter?"   
"You...you're mad at me..."   
"Of course I am, I'm worried about you! I care for you, I don't want you to have to do this sort of thing."   
"I wish you wouldn't care about me...I'm not worth it, really. You'll only make things worse...for everyone...for your own good, too, I wish you would just stay out of it all..."

The entire time Ciel was talking, his voice got weaker and weaker, and he slumped forward against Sebastian, unconscious. Unfortunately, Sebastian would not follow Ciel's wish. He couldn't help that he cared about his student, and he couldn't help that he wanted Ciel to be much closer to him than just a student. He buckled Ciel's belt, not bothering to try tucking his shirt back in, and re-tied one of his shoes, fighting the urge to vomit at the sight of what looked like a bite on his ankle. He laid Ciel back down on the mattress, and just spent a moment enjoying how sweet he looked, eyebrow softer in his rest. Sebastian brushed a lock of hair away from his face, and had pulled a blanket over his small body when Grell came into the apartment.    
"Wow, I'm impressed with you, Bassy. Just about anyone else would've ripped into him by now...or maybe you're more of the 'sleeping beauty' type?"    
"For the love of God, Grell, I'm not here to hire a prostitute, I'm here because I want my student to stop being a prostitute!" He stood, unaware that Ciel had woken again. The student watched in silence as his two professors began to turn hostile. Grell's flirting eyes closed to something more threatening.    
"Sebastian, I don't think you quite understand the-"   
"-You had better damn well believe I understand the situation, Grell. His situation, at least."   
"Ah, then you've seen the video?"   
"I...no, I haven't seen any video, what are you talking about?" 

Grell stiffened with a small "ghgk!".    
"If you haven't seen  _ that _ , how can you possibly understand what's going on?"   
"Are you telling me you've seen the video he’s being blackmailed with?  _ Are you telling me you know which fraternity did this to him?!" _ In an instant, Sebastian's fists were full of Grell's coat, and Grell's shoulders were kissing the wall, rotted enough that they would leave marks.    
"I swear to god, Grell, if you know who did this to him and haven't done anything about it, I'll-"   
"-You'll do what? Huh? Do honestly think I'll tell you anything if I owe them too? Huh?" Grell's hand itched for his pocket; Sebastian stopped him before he could grab the knife that lived there. "Believe you me, I tried to do something about it. I was there when it happened, after all! I've been stuck seducing people they don't like for years, how else do you think I've kept this job?" Grell sneered. 

Ciel murmured something that sounded like 'stop it' as he tried to stand and fainted again, collapsing onto the floor.    
"What are you talking about?!"   
"Those boys, if they've got someone they don't like, they send them to me. I get them dirty, I get pictures and evidence of them cheating with whoever they're with...with Ciel's help, I've managed to make them look like pedophiles, all so they have more blackmail material. In return, they give me material. Information. They help me keep both my jobs. We've gone through four headmasters in seven years, why do you think that is?" Slowly, Sebastian had let go of Grell, and his feet returned to the ground with a groan. The shorter man nursed his shoulder, glaring up at Sebastian through thick lenses. "They caught me in a spider's web with one of them a few years ago, playing my game back when it was just for fun, and threatened to have me fired. Who would care that the kid had hired a prostitute? All anyone would care about is the teacher who was the prostitute. Sebastian, this group has more power over the university than you understand, and I'm warning you now, for both your sake and little Ciel's. Stay out of it."    
Grell glared at Sebastian, but he wasn't sure he believed his story. He was thoroughly convinced Grell would say whatever he wanted in order to keep Ciel to himself.    
"I'm not going to stay out of it." 

Grell sighed, looking past him and at Ciel, unconscious on the floor, the beginning of a bloody lip forming. "Look, Professor Sutcliffe, if I can get them for what they've done to Ciel, they'll leave you alone, too. There has to be some way you can help me."   
He was considering, staring at the bed so much abuse had transpired on top of.    
"Okay," 

He finally said. 

"I can get you the video, but that's it. Leave your rear passenger car door unlocked on Monday when you go to class, park it outside the Psychology building. I can leave a flash drive in the rear cup holder. Don't you dare let me down. If you do, both Ciel and I could end up dead." 

He said.

Sebastian nodded, backing into the bedroom. He untangled Ciel from the blankets and pulled him into his arms. Grell watched the ordeal with sorrow. "He's lucky he has someone who cares so much about him." Sebastian didn't answer, walking past his coworker. "Are you certain you'll actually be able to control yourself, watching that video? I must admit, I myself wanted to just take Ciel and do just about everything to him, no matter how awful they were."    
"I'm not like you, Grell." Sebastian stepped through the door and began to descend the steps.    
"I've wanted to take Ciel and do just about anything  _ for _ him." 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, my poor, sweet babies.
> 
> I say as I give them unimaginable pain.
> 
> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You would not believe the kind of research I had to do for this chapter.

Ciel woke up in the guest room of Sebastian's house again. How had he gotten here? Had he ever actually left at all, or was that just a dream? 

No, it wasn't. Sebastian had definitely tracked him down, and he had been very angry...Ciel didn't want to face him if he was angry. His very bones felt weary, ready to sink into the mattress forever. He tried to force his body to sit up, but it wouldn't move. He was just too tired. His stomach growled and groaned, but not even that could overpower his fatigue. He closed his eyes, and was asleep again in seconds.    
He had woken up and fallen asleep so quickly he hadn't even noticed that Sebastian was there, in a chair pulled up next to the bed, watching Ciel rest worriedly. He was trying to mentally prepare himself for what he would see in the video he would receive in two days. What fraternity could have remained in power like this for at least seven years? It had to be one of the ones funded by a family, then, to have kept it up through so many graduating years, right? No matter which one it showed, he would have no reservations about them; he just wasn't sure he could handle what he would see them do. It was so horrible, how arousing the mere thought of Ciel in any position was to Sebastian. He hated himself for it, but it was always there, flirting in the back of his mind. Cat ears? He wanted to pass out. But the thought of Ciel in any position with anyone else...that drove him mad. He saw red and his fists tightened just thinking about it.    
He wanted Ciel to just have someone, anyone, that he could trust. Though Sebastian very badly wanted to be that person, he had to make the decision that as long as Ciel had someone, it didn't matter. 

He didn't know that Ciel was slowly warming up to him, at his constant insistence that he help. The support was a relief, just to know that he had someone who believed in him, and he really did appreciate all that Sebastian had done for him. He would sleep with him just as a way to say thanks, probably, but that was exactly what Sebastian didn't want, and if Ciel knew what Sebastian's thoughts were, he wouldn't want to do that either. He didn't know anything about actual relationships. He still liked to entertain the thought of a family, but it was very different from what others would have imagined. He’d long since forgotten what a healthy family was supposed to be like. Ciel would never remember thinking any of these things, but if someone had told him he thought them, he wouldn't deny it. The thought of sex at all didn't do much for him; it was a tool for him, and though he realistically had little experience with relationships at all, he had done it so many times with no pleasure that he doubted it could ever make him feel anything but empty. Ciel didn't want to feel empty. 

Ciel had been asleep for almost three hours when Sebastian realized that he didn't have his bag. He hadn't seen it in the apartment, either. Had he already moved? In his sleep, Ciel sighed a deep breath and stretched out, then pulled back in. He needed to eat, as soon as he woke up. Sebastian didn't want to, but he left the room, making sure the door stayed open as he went into the kitchen, and tried once more to make something. He hadn't had breakfast yet himself, but he didn't feel hungry like he normally would. Too much had happened to think about eating, and he was slowly beginning to understand what Ciel felt.    
The pot began to boil, so Sebastian did not at first hear Ciel stirring. He was just shifting uncomfortably, every now and again making little grunts. Then, Ciel started to toss about, throwing the covers away with one arm and pulling them back with the other. He threw his shoulders into the air, his head thrown back and eyebrows tight, and cried out.    
Immediately, Sebastian turned, but he did not act. Ciel had since fallen back to the mattress, but his legs were kicking slowly, and his head was pulled back into his shoulders. He was acting like he was trying to get something off of him. Sebastian stepped forward, still unsure how to react, and had his phone out to Google 'Do you wake a person having a nightmare?' When Ciel screamed and jolted up, hand slapping over his eyepatch. He either wasn't aware of or ignored the open door, crying out as he scrabbled at his eyepatch desperately, ripping it off and throwing it away from himself, and then hunching forward, hands around his eye. He must've been dreaming about when he was attacked, Sebastian realized. Ciel was making small panicked noises, like he had only just been stabbed and was trying to comprehend the pain he was receiving. Sebastian didn't want to do anything, but doing nothing sounded like a bad idea too.    
"...Ciel..?" 

He was as soft as he could be, but not soft enough. With a shout, Ciel whipped around and fell out of bed. He crawled backwards across the floor until his back hit a wall, and stared, a hand even then around his damaged eye. The polish on his nails had since chipped from the last time Sebastian had paid attention to it, and for whatever reason it was what he focused on. Ciel pushed his back against the wall until he was standing, but it was hardly imposing.    
Until he pulled out a razor blade.    
"Ciel, where...where did you get that?" Sebastian could easily overpower Ciel, but he didn't want to, and he certainly wouldn't have been prepared to discover how fast his student was. Ciel heard his own name again and seemed to recoil. He lowered the blade, and then threw it down with a cry.    
"You...you need to..." He huffed, and then kicked the blade towards the door. "You need to get away from me! It's not, you're not, it's not safe to be around me, g-go away!"    
"Ciel, what on earth are you talking about? You only had a nightmare-"   
"-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't-I need my- gauh...gck!"   
He grabbed the sides of his head and hunched over it.   
"Your medication...you need it in the mornings, too, don't you?" Ciel nodded with an agonized cry.    
"The...the painkiller... I at least needed that...AH!" His knees hit the carpet and he folded into himself, screaming. He ripped at his head until he pulled out hair and scraped his face, drawing blood horrifically. He slowed with a whimper. 

"There's...there's nothing to do about it, not now..." Ciel whimpered. "I have to take it at very specific times..." He pulled in air through strangled breaths, and pushed away Sebastian's arms when they tried to help. "Go...go away..!" Ciel's hand found a fistful of Sebastian's shirt and pushed it away as hard as he could, which wasn't very hard when all his focus was on not throwing his head through a wall. He wouldn't leave, though, and Ciel was pulled into Sebastian's arms.    
"We're going to the hospital, Ciel. I'm not giving you a choice anymore." Barely conscious, Ciel tried to refuse. He pushed away from Sebastian's chest and fell to the floor, where he rolled and tried to run. His hand grabbed his eyepatch when his professor nearly tackled him. Ciel began to cry.   
"I can't-I can't! Don't take me to--you don't know what--let go!" Ciel shrieked, pushing Sebastian away with shocking force.    
"For the love of God, Ciel, you need more help than I can give! This is all I can do anymore, please, just-" Sebastian stood over Ciel, who was reared onto his knees, and forced him to stand, too.    
  
Ciel collapsed, and began to seize.    
  
Sebastian shouted and jumped away, but Ciel stayed on the carpet, tremors running through his body. He shuddered and his eyes fluttered weakly, his face limp as his muscles contracted and released. Sebastian didn't know much about first aid, but he knew not to restrain a seizing person. There was nothing he could do but wait until the seizing was over. He pulled the chair in the corner away, never taking his eyes off of the trembling form.    
Finally, the seizing stopped.    
So did his breathing.    
"Ciel? Ciel?" 

What should he do?!    
"Mroowr?" Sebastian almost didn't see the creature that streaked into the room until it was curled up on Ciel's chest. Sebastian loved cats; he nearly kicked it.    
"Go, go! Get off of him!" Sebastian whipped out his phone and shooed the cat away, not having the time to wonder how the cat had followed them from Ciel's old apartment.    
"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"   
"I- I'm with a student, he had a seizure, and now he won't breathe!"   
"Alright, sir, where is your location?" Sebastian gave it, and everything stilled to him. He was giving Ciel compressions, and paramedics arrived, and the colors of their uniform were all gray, the questions they asked all muted, and Sebastian was dragged to the hospital numbly. He knew that they asked him if Ciel was taking medications, and he was, but Sebastian didn't know which ones. They asked where they were, Sebastian didn't know. He was sitting in a waiting room, he didn't know where. They allowed him to see Ciel, who was unconscious and horribly sick, he didn't know with what. He saw Ciel in a hospital bed in a white room, with an IV taped to the pale inside of his arm, he didn't know how long it had been. His eyes were closed, no eyepatch, the outside of his eyelid had no scar, Sebastian did not know how. He pulled a seat up next to the student, who did not stir. A doctor came by and quietly placed her clipboard at the foot of Ciel's bed. Sebastian wanted her to move it, he did not know why. She asked if he and Ciel had had sex; Sebastian said Ciel had, though not with him. With who? He did not know. The doctor gave him a strange look. He ignored it. She asked why he was with Ciel when he had his seizure; Sebastian considered.    
"He wasn't feeling well; I wanted to make sure he was alright. He fell asleep...woke up in pain, screaming...he said he had missed his medication. Then...then he had the seizure." The woman looked from him to her patient, peering through thick glasses and wine red hair. She reminded Sebastian of Grell, in a way, and he did not trust her.    
"Any idea which medications he's taking? Any at all? Or even an approximation of how many?"   
"I...god, too many, that's how many. At least seven, eight?"    
"Jesus, the poor child..." Her eyes turned pitifully towards Ciel. "...No wonder his scans showed so much damage."    
"I'm sorry, scans?"    
"We had to scan his head, because of the trauma to his eye. There were some very dark spots that didn't make much sense...I'm assuming he was taking antidepressant? It makes sense if that's the case."    
"Can't you just check his medical records and find out?" 

The doctor bounced on the balls of her feet as she thought.    
"It's a difficult situation, this is. He was overseas for a large part of his treatment, and retrieving the records has taken some time. At first, we actually brought up his mother's by mistake." Sebastian didn't answer. Ciel stirred, lifting his head and moving it to the other side.    
"He's just asleep, now. He's very sick, he is, should've come to the hospital ages ago."   
"Oh, trust me, I told him the very same thing. He's just--uhm, he's... very selfless. Believes there are more important things than him."   
"Believes he is worth nothing, more like." She scowled. "I hate seeing people like that. They're pathetic, really. So dramatic."   
"Doctor Rin?"   
"Yes, of course?" The doctor turned sweet again in an instant, pushing her rounded glasses back onto her face and turning to face the nurse whose head was peeking through the door.    
"May I speak with you privately?"   
"Ye-es, of course?" She glanced at her patient before swiping up her clipboard and leaving again. She and the nurse were only outside for a second before she came back in, heels clicking with vindication.    
"Mr. Michaelis, some people downstairs wish to speak with you."   
"Me?"   
"You're his professor, correct?"   
"I-yes, I am."   
"It appears some other students are concerned."   
"I-we-for the love of God, how many people do I have to tell? I'm not sleeping with him!"    
"Don't tell me, tell them. They're waiting downstairs. I was about to ask you to leave anyways. He's much sicker than we thought."   
"I-Thank you." Sebastian swallowed, and stood. It wasn't her fault. Ciel stirred, and murmured out.   
"Sebastian..?"    
"Ciel?"    
"Sir, he needs rest."   
"Hold on, he said my name."   
"Sir, he's very sick, he's probably just reciting his thoughts before he-"   
"-Please, Sebastian! I-I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't, didn't tell you sooner!" Ciel was sitting straight up and staring at Sebastian with a horrible, partially blind eye.    
It was white most the way through, bloody red stained through the bottom of where his iris should have been blue, creating a kind of purple. There was a raised sort of welt on the surface of his eye where the razor had entered the eye, and it was long and thin, the mark of an unprepared hand. His pupil was still open and relatively round, cloudy though it was, but it was beautifully symmetric to the other.    
"Tell me what?"   
"Sir, you're making it worse, you need to leave!" The nurse who had been desperately pulling Sebastian's arm finally got him to the door with a final shove out of it. Behind the door, Ciel's scream was cut off, and the doctor shouted. Sebastian stood facing it blankly. He wanted to throw the door in again, but he swallowed heavily and turned away.    
As he descended the stairs, his anxiety ascended. Which students had come to speak with him? He stopped in his tracks, almost stumbling down the step. Were they from this fraternity? 

Sebastian had questions without anyone who would answer them and answers to questions he had yet to ask.    
He considered just leaving. Oh, he wanted to. It would've been easy; it wasn't like Ciel expected anything of him. He didn't want Ciel to feel like he owed him anything, either. But the blind, slim, impossible hope of somehow freeing him from this pain, of making a friend in Ciel (possibly more), brought about a sort of determined guilt, and he began to walk again with his head snapped forward, focused and businesslike. Whoever it was waiting for him, he would be prepared handle them. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter oops

He actually didn't see anyone at first, when he entered the waiting room. Then there was a shriek like a cat being thrown into a pool, and Lizzie's blonde curls were in his face. Over the top of them, he could see Alois, who seemed just as concerned but only slightly more reserved.    
"Mr. Michaelis, thank goodness you were there! Is Ciel gonna be okay? What happened? How is he right now?"    
"They wouldn't let us back, and she refuses to leave until we've talked to him." Alois explained, glancing into the hallway behind Sebastian. He seemed very preoccupied. Sebastian calmly stepped back, and Lizzie jumped forward, anxious.    
"Well?"   
"Elizabeth, please, give me a moment! What was the first question, again?" Sebastian had honestly been so relieved that it was only them that he hadn't paid attention.    
"I said, is he going to be okay?" Her hands, which had been clasped under her chin, went to her hips in impatience.    
"Ciel should be fine, he's just very sick right now, and he was taking--" Professor Michaelis stopped himself. Ciel wouldn't want other students to know what was going on. Alois crossed his arms, bouncing on his feet as he looked around constantly. What was the matter?    
"Lizzie, we aren't going to be able to go and see him. Let's just go, alright?"   
"No! We were supposed to meet up today and work on our school stuff!"   
"We can work without him, can't we?"   
Lizzie turned around to face her classmate and full-on pouted, crossing her arms in a mirror of his body language. Sebastian put a hand to his forehead, exasperated. 

Why did he have to have such annoying students, why did he have to give them actual work to do? 

Very real guilt hit him as he thought of the countless papers he'd assigned his class, and how Ciel had always done his properly, primly. Now, he had basically dumped him into doing the work of three people, and he was laying in a hospital bed! Before this, he was doing much worse things. Professor Michaelis couldn't bear the thought of aiding the reason Ciel had to take stress medication.    
"Hey, don't you go to school with us?"   
"Elizabeth,  _ shut up now _ !"    
Lizzie had shouted across the waiting room to a male nurse, and Alois had stiffened like a board, hissing the command at her. He didn't even turn around, but the tall, dark-haired student in scrubs definitely recognized him. Without so much as a nod, he strode up behind Alois.    
"Hello, Elizabeth, Alois."   
"Hello, Claude." Alois spoke through gritted teeth, angry. Lizzie didn't speak, staring from one to the other in utter bewilderment.    
"Hello, Professor Michaelis." He nodded to Sebastian formally. Sebastian didn't respond. The voice sounded familiar, but the face didn't, and he couldn't quite place where his voice might have come from. As a medical student, he could’ve been the same age as Sebastian yet, but he just couldn't place it. "Why are you all here, may I ask?"   
"Ciel had a seizure, and-"'   
"-we don't know that for sure yet, but we can't go up and see him, so it's not our problem anyway. Lizzie, let's go."   
"What is your deal?!" She cried at Alois. He flushed angrily as other staff began to look at him and Claude shifted his clipboard to the other arm, ignoring Alois.    
"Ciel Phantomhive? He's not on my list."   
"Then it's none of your business, is it?" Alois growled out suddenly. He grabbed Elizabeth by the wrist and dragged her out of the hospital, never once looking at Claude. He watched them leave with an unreadable expression, and dropped the hand that had been resting on the small of Alois' back. He was walking away before Sebastian finally recognized the voice.    
_ "If I said I wanted your car..." _

Sebastian tried to go after Claude, but he had already passed through and closed a magnetically locked door. He couldn't leave Ciel here, not with Claude here too! 

He'd been one of the attackers in the alleyway, therefore one of Ciel's rapists. Sebastian nearly collapsed as he recognized Alois' reaction. How many students--or  _ teachers _ \--were just like Ciel, trapped under the thumb of this unnamed fraternity? 

It had to end. 

No matter what, this would end.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exposition holy smokes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as the summary said: holy smokes

Sebastian paced the waiting room for hours, and finally, Ciel's day doctor came downstairs to go home. Sebastian couldn't imagine her surprise when he walked up to her.    
"You're still here?"   
"How is Ciel?"   
"...Stable. He's still got a raging fever; he should've come in much sooner. And he shouldn't have strained himself...like he did."   
"I definitely agree with you there." Sebastian laughed warmly.    
"Really, though, did you come back, or..?"   
"I've been here all day, Miss."   
"Oh my word, why?! You need to go home and get some rest, yes, yes you do!"    
"I'm here until Ciel can leave."   
"You won't go until then?"   
"Unless I'm kicked out, I'm afraid not." Placidly, they stared one another down, the doctor's pigtails swinging as she crossed her arms and looked the professor over. Finally, she closed her eyes and reached into her pocket.    
"Alright, I can't very well leave you down here, no, I can't. I'll let you up there to see Ciel. But no waking him up, you hear?"   
"I--of course. I just...I have to be by him."   
She eyed him quizzically, and walked past, gesturing him to follow.    
"Tell me again how well you know my patient?"   
"I'm his college professor." He responded automatically.    
"So, not well?"   
"Er..." He had to think. Finally, he seemed to have an answer Ciel would've agreed with.    
"I know him better than anyone in the university. Maybe even America."   
"But you're...just...his professor?"   
"Yes."   
"Why were you with him? You didn't have a class today, you didn't, or you would'nt've come with him, and stayed here."   
"Well, no, I didn't have a class today, but we were at home, and-"   
"-We?" Sebastian bit his tongue inside his mouth. She paused with her hand on the doorknob, looking up at the dark man. He was relieved immensely when she swung the door open.    
"Look, it's not my business, if you're in a relationship, no, it's not, but he was very recently sexually active, and if you lied to me..."   
"I didn't! Like I said, he was, but not with me. We aren't together."

"Sounds to me like you really wish you were." The doctor added smugly, and Sebastian couldn't find a response. Instead, he walked past her, stiffly moving right up to the foot of Ciel's bed. In the dim light, he looked like a ghost, sleeping peacefully with his hands crossed over his chest. Without his eyepatch--and constant half-scowl--he was almost angelic. The only hint that he was still alive was the constant, soft beeping of his heart monitor. Sebastian placed a hand on the blanket so he could lean slightly closer, entranced. The doctor huffed a sort of laugh.

"I need to go home, but his night Doctor should be in soon. Don't cause any trouble, hear?"

"Thank you, Doctor."

The door clicked shut. Neither Sebastian nor Ciel stirred, left in the semi-darkness. Whatever Sebastian was thinking of, he didn't even know; he was just taking in everything around him, but most of all Ciel. Why did he get such a surge of happiness from just seeing him? He wasn't even doing anything but resting peacefully. Yet, there was something so soft about him in his rest; hair the color of tobacco smoke smoothed into place, its few layers tousled up in his rest, falling around his pale face, a face of soft edges and lines, the lines of his eyebrows curved slightly up in his rest, the closed lines of his eyes and the thin, slightly frowning line of his lips. Dressed in and surrounded by white, he really did look like an angel...or a corpse. The heart monitor continued to faithfully bleep, announcing to him that the patient was still very much alive, but he still managed to frighten himself.

He was even more frightened when Ciel coughed himself awake. Hacking, he sat up slightly and his monitor jumped almost as badly as his teacher.    
"Hello..?"

"Ciel, I'm here. You're fine, now.”

"Where...where are we?"

"The hospital. You had a seizure."   
"...Seizure..?"

"Yes." Sebastian pulled the chair in the corner up near the head of the bed, noting how Ciel's heart rate was slowly climbing. With a puff, Ciel dropped his head back into the pillows. His hand raised up and his fingertips traced his eye.    
"Why are you still here?" He finally asked, dropping his hand. The heart monitor slowed just slightly.    
"You sound like you're upset by it." Sebastian leaned forward so he could look at Ciel, who was staring up at the ceiling.    
"I...I don't know anymore. I have a lot to be upset about." He sighed, and his heart rate dropped even further. "Do you even know why you keep trying to help me?" He didn't turn his head to look at Sebastian. In the dim light, he could see as well as he ever would again with his right eye. It gave him a more complete (if blurry) picture of his professor, which made Sebastian very special; Ciel only had his complete picture of three people.    
"I do." Sebastian affirmed.

"But you won't tell me?"

If not for the heart monitor, the room would have been silent.    
"It's hard to put into words." 

Ciel huffed; he seemed more relaxed than Sebastian had ever seen him.

"Is it really?"   
"I...suppose you remind me of myself? That's not a compliment, unfortunately." Ciel twisted around so he was lying on his side, facing Sebastian with his entire body and both eyes. Sebastian tried not to stare, but Ciel made it so easy.

"Why is that not a compliment?" 

Sebastian laughed a barklike laugh, settling as Ciel yawned. He sort of snuggled himself further down into the bed, and wrapped one arm up around under his head.

"I worked very hard to get to where I'm at."

"Oh, I could already tell that."

"Really, now?"

"Mm-hmm." Ciel nodded and yawned again, making Sebastian yawn too.

"How could you tell?"

"You didn't make it hard, really." Ciel closed his eyes, trying to burn the man's face into his memory as he saw it then; sure, it was blurry, but he was the only person who could ever see it like that. "But why isn't that a compliment?"

"Oh...I was a really stupid kid, and teenager."

"What were you like at my age?"

"Let's see...you're almost eighteen, right? I guess I was getting prepared for surgery, around then." Sebastian rubbed the back of his neck as he squinted up at the ceiling, trying to recall.

"Surgery?"

"Er...well, yes. I kept thinking it would fix everything, but I had to do that myself."

"What? Okay, now you've  _ got _ to explain that." Ciel snickered a sort of giggle, like a child at a sleepover well past their bedtime. Sebastian would give anything,  _ anything _ , to hear that giggle again, compelled to chuckle himself.

"It was facial reconstruction, like, y'know, plastic surgery? I had a pretty okay bone structure, so they really didn't have to do a whole lot there, but I was ugly as sin."

Ciel laughed, and Sebastian did too, but quieter so he could hear Ciel.

"You? I don't believe you."

"No, I really did have surgery. I've still got the scars behind my ears." Even as he spoke, he pulled his hair back, but Ciel couldn't see.    
"No, I mean... I'm sure you were very attractive." Sebastian kept laughing; he found it hilarious.    
"I was born with FAS, actually. It wasn't very severe at all mentally, but my eyes bulged out of my head like a fly and my ears stuck so far out you could throw a pebble across a football field and still hit them."

"Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?"   
"Er, I mean-"   
"-No, now, you've gotta tell me more! Please?" Ciel's heart rate climbed slowly as he sat up to look directly at Sebastian, and under honeyed eyes, Sebastian caved. He leaned back in his seat with a huff. Is this how Ciel had felt when he had asked about his life?

"I...uhm, I grew up in the ugliest kind of poverty. We had more than enough money to survive, I'm sure of it...but it all went to booze, even from when I was very young. Both my parents had a drinking problem, and by the time I was fourteen, so did I."   
Ciel had fallen still and silent, staring at Sebastian.    
He crossed his arms, looking at his audience with one eye. He swallowed heavily, trying to get around the block in his mind and throat.

"I figured out pretty quickly how expensive that was, though, in every way, and got rid of it in every way I could. I tried to get my parents off too, but when it went missing, they just bought more, and I was already half-starving, and there just wasn't enough money to keep throwing it out...I recognized that being smart was my only chance, so I would spend all my time at school...also to get out of the house. I took all the free tutoring I could, even though I didn't really need it. I was doing great, academically.    
"And then, just before I graduated high school, my dad shot the dog. Right in front of me. He was too expensive to keep, he said. But I never forgave him...really, I still haven't." Sebastian dropped his hands into his lap. He knew, now, how great it felt to get things off his chest. Ciel was a very good audience. "I still feel sick every time I see any kind of dog." Ciel's eyelids began to droop, listening intently though he was.    
"That's awful." He murmured.    
"Yes, it really was. It really was."   
Ciel reached out a limp hand and rested it over top of Sebastian's. "His name was Pluto. The dog. He slept on my bed every night; in the winter, his warmth was probably the only thing keeping me alive. I don't know, I guess it was the breaking point for me, when dad killed him. I left the day I graduated. The first thing I did was take any and all money I possibly could to get the surgery I did; I was convinced that if I just looked the part, people would I assume I was smart, but, obviously, that's not how it works. Anyway, I'd used all my money on it, and I had to scrape to survive college--er, well, nothing like you, though--and I got hired here only a few weeks after I completed college. I guess they were desperate for a professor with my degree."    
"Did you always wanna be a college professor?"   
"No, actually. I wanted to be an author. I figured out pretty quickly how difficult it is to write when you can't come up with any good stories."    
"Well, that's when you don't just write stories; you write your own." Ciel yawned, scooting slightly closer to the side of the bed.    
"What?"   
"My mum--er, mom--was an author. She always wrote poetry about little things that happened to her, and she said that a lot. 'Don't write a story, write _ your _ story.' It's sort of, like, the world as you see it, 'cause it's a special way to see it. Nobody else can see it like you do." Ciel's jaw slacked as he spoke, until he was just barely mumbling. Sebastian fought the urge to brush Ciel's hair back, his face hidden in the pillow. 

Sebastian spoke idly, not knowing or caring if Ciel was listening. 

“I can't believe how reliant you are on your medicines...I'm so sorry that you have to be, but I wish I'd actually fully grasped it sooner. Maybe it could've helped…”

The heart monitor jumped suddenly. 

"Hey, Sebastian?"   
"I'm still here."   
"Did...did you see...nevermind."   
"Did I see an interned nurse that goes to school with you? Yes, I did."   
Ciel's hand tightened over Sebastian's, and he fearfully whispered,   
"Please, lock all the doors when you leave."   
"I'm not going to leave, Ciel."    
"But you can't just sit there all night."    
"Why not?"    
"Those chairs are, like, the most uncomfortable things ever. I have slept on one, plenty of times. It sucks."    
"Maybe I just won't sleep?" Ciel cracked an eye open, and then pushed himself up. He slid all the way to the corner of the bed, and then laid back down. "Why'd you do that?"   
"There's plenty of room now."   
"No, Ciel, I won't take your bed, what about-"   
"-trust me, there's plenty of room. I lay next to mom every time I visit her." Ciel rolled over, as if it were final, and Sebastian could only assume he had fallen asleep. Well, Sebastian definitely would not sleep, but he had to admit that the chair he was in certainly wasn't the most comfortable of chairs. So he got up, hesitantly, and sidled onto the hospital bed. He was still seated mostly upright, and staring at the ceiling, hearing the heart monitor continue to bleep dutifully, swore he would not sleep.    
So he was very surprised when the door clicking startled him awake. Immediately, he placed a gentle hand on Ciel's shoulder and sat up, peering through the dim room. Whoever had been there was gone; it had been the click of the door closing that woke him. He looked and listened as hard as he could around the room, but everything was silent, everything was still.    
So he laid back down, let go of Ciel's shoulder, and was almost asleep again in peaceful quiet.    
Quiet.    
Silence.    
He jolted up with a cry and grabbed Ciel. He didn't stir, and Sebastian, too horrified to scream, reared away.   
"Ciel? Ciel?! Oh, God, no, please no!"   
"...Sebastian? What? What are you--"   
"-Oh, thank god!" Sebastian collapsed to his knees, hyperventilating, as Ciel sat up, rubbing his eye and yawning.    
"What's the matter?...Sebastian?" On his knees and leaned against the bed, Sebastian was shaking and fighting back tears.    
"I-I thought you were-"   
"-Sebastian, I'm alright. I'm right here." Ciel ran a hand over Sebastian's hair tenderly, yawning. "Was it a nightmare?"    
"N-no, your heart-heart monitor wasn't making any sound, and you didn't-didn't wake up, and I-I just-"    
"-It's okay. It's okay." Ciel kept running his hands over Sebastian's hair, patient and kind. "Though, you are right. My monitor isn't even connected to me, why would they hav-" The hand gently stroking Sebastian's hair stopped moving. Sebastian looked up, eyes puffy. Ciel was staring at the screen of his monitor, frozen. Slowly, Sebastian turned and followed his gaze.    
The heart monitor hadn't moved, but the wires that should've been connected to Ciel were coiled around it like a noose, elaborately tied and knotted to hold syringes of what looked like blood. Sebastian looked from the grotesque display back to Ciel, pale and sick.    
"Ciel?"   
"Go home, Sebastian."   
"What?"    
Ciel's voice, his face, his eyes were hollow as he turned to face Sebastian.    
"Go home. It's not a question."   
"Ciel, I-"   
"-It's not a question. Go home, or I'll call security and make them kick you out. Please, don't make me do that."    
Sebastian tried to regain his composure, standing and straightening his jacket.    
"Sebastian. Leave."    
"Ciel, I don't understa-"   
"-You don't have to!" Ciel's voice went shrill in an instant, and cracked. "You don't-you never needed to be a part of this. I never wanted you to be a part of this, I never wanted anyone to have to be a part of this!"   
Ciel had slid out of the bed, standing with help from the wall.    
"Ciel, you need to lie down, please, you're really si-"   
"GO!" Ciel gasped for air, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Just go..." He whispered, wiping his face messily. After a few moments, he let go of the wall, and turned to face his professor. "Thank you, for all you've done, Sebastian, really, but you don't need to do any more. You've done more than enough. You could probably get fired, for what you've done, actually. So...you should forget about everything."

"Ciel-"   
"-I will have you kicked out. Don't think I won't."   
"-I don't doubt it, but hear me out! Whatever this is, you might be capable of facing it alone, but that doesn't mean you have to, okay?" Ciel didn't respond, giving off an air of malevolence. Any trace of kind politeness had long since dissolved.    
"Please..."   
"Please what? Ciel, I won't abandon you." The blood in all the syringes with the heart monitor had to have been drawn from the patient; he was paler than ever before, and paling still.

"And why won't you? It's not like you've got anything to prove; nobody else has lasted even as long as you."   
"Is this a game to you?!" Sebastian knew as soon as it left his mouth that he could never take it back, but the shock was what he needed; Ciel's knees buckled. Sebastian stepped closer. "Are you just trying to get rid of me because you  _ like _ being alone?"   
"How-how-" Sebastian had crossed a line long ago but he couldn't back down, not yet. Ciel grabbed the chair's back for support. "How dare you?" He whispered. Sebastian hated himself; he hated the shock on his student's face; he hated the sound of his own voice; he hated everything except Ciel, in that moment, collapsing forward against him. He loved him; he loved his soft aura; he loved his hard personality; he loved the sound of Ciel's voice; he loved supporting him, literally now that he was unconscious. 

Or dying. 

With a short cry, Sebastian jerked up, wide awake.

Was he really awake this time? He came close to pinching himself just to be sure. He looked over. Ciel was asleep, chest rising and falling peacefully.    
The monitor was bleeping as constantly as ever. 

Sebastian stumbled away until his back hit a wall, and then he slid down against it. He ran a hand through his hair, brushing it out of his face sloppily. God, he needed a drink. 

Ciel stirred ever so gently, and his professor stood. He tightened his jaw.    
_ This is too much for me,  _ he thought.  _ I’m going to do something awful if this keeps up.  _

Professor Michaelis crossed the room. He looked back when he reached the door, though he knew he shouldn't have. 

Ciel was asleep, as soundly as if the world wasn't weighed upon his shoulders. As if he was just normal. As if he had been anything but a blackmailed prostitute trying to just  _ survive _ . 

 

And Sebastian turned his back on him. 

 

He opened the door, stepped through it, and walked away. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think my soul is ready for the pain I'm about to unleash upon you poor people...enjoy this set-up chapter while you can >:3

Sebastian spent his Sunday alone. He kept looking over, to the closed guest room door. That cat that had followed Ciel all the way home was laying in front of it. He couldn't bring himself to throw her out, even though she was against the rules. So he left a tray of water on the kitchen floor for her and a window open, in case she left.

Ciel wasn't in class on Monday; Sebastian stared at his empty seat. He looked down at his laptop screen. Ciel’s group had turned in their paper, early. He took one glance over it. It was pathetically obvious that Ciel had written an outline, and the others had tried to fill in the blanks. 

_ Demons are, to humans, everything they have ever wanted. If they did not appear as such, nobody would ever have fallen to them and their evils. _

He closed the tab. He couldn't even think about Ciel, or his demons. He glanced out the window. He should've been able to see his car from where he was, but he had remembered Grell’s instructions. He’d sat for nearly an hour, trying to decide if he would follow them or not, and finally, he did. As he’d been leaning back to unlock the rear door, he’d looked down and seen something on the floor. He had reached down, and picked it up. He had held Ciel’s inhaler in his hand. It was in his desk drawer, now. 

He looked back to Ciel’s usual seat. 

The student next to him had dropped her bag into the chair. 

Sebastian swallowed heavily and looked away. 

 

He got into his car and closed the door. It snapped trimly. He let go of the handle, unaware of how hard he’d been gripping it. 

Sebastian didn't even look into the backseat. He buckled his seatbelt, locked the doors, and drove home. Not once did he look into the backseat. 

He sat in the driveway. Part of him thought about how, if and when he got his own actual house, he would definitely get one with a garage. Most of him thought about the rear cup holder. 

Finally, he unbuckled and turned around. 

 

For the first time in years, he began to cry. 

 

One hand pressed to his forehead as he sobbed, his other closed around the little chunk of plastic and metal and the note stuck to it. He could barely read the posty note through his blurry eyes. 

Scrawled hastily in red ink on a white square of paper, it wasn't hard to guess whose handwriting Sebastian was reading. 

 

_ I sincerely hope that you're actually going to be able to watch this.  _

_ I sincerely believe that you can help us.  _

 

_ I won't ask forgiveness for what I've done, but please understand what I risk giving you this. Please understand what I've done, I had no choice in doing.  _

 

Sebastian clutched the note and drive to his chest. He leaned into the wheel and gasped for air weakly. 

 

He was in very, very deep. 

  
  


Ciel wasn't in class again the next day. Alois wasn't there, either. 

 

Sebastian thought about asking Elizabeth if she’d heard anything. She was careless as ever, it seemed, phone out on top of her textbook. He turned back, to the calendar behind his desk. 

 

Finals were in two weeks. 

 

He worried. 

 

Class ended. He sat at his desk in the darkened room, not sure if he could go back to an empty house. 

 

He'd left the drive on his counter, unable to do anything but just look at it, which was all he had done. 

 

Sebastian’s hands shook. He took the inhaler out of his desk drawer and stood. 

  
He went home. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so the web unwinds...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the length of this chapter, but this is why the last few have been so short-- buildup! 
> 
> Also, I legitimately cried working on this one. It took me a long time to write, which is why updates have been so far between. 
> 
> I'm so sorry, Ciel, I really am.

Sebastian sat at his desk, home again, staring down. His laptop was open, a USB drive across the keys. The plastic case was cracked. Sebastian didn't want to think about where it had come from. The little cat rubbed against his ankle, but he felt afraid that if he picked her up, he would hurt her. So she stayed on the ground, wrapped around his leg and purring happily. 

He stared at the USB drive. 

He plugged it in. 

It only held one file. 

He stared at it. 

 

He got up, poured a drink, and came back. 

 

He stared at the drink. 

He stared at the file. 

He clicked on it. 

The file had no audio; it seemed that the party was so loud that it didn't register, sometimes crackling with static at a quieter moment. Sebastian had never been inside any of the fraternity houses. Actually, thinking about it, he wasn't even totally sure how fraternities worked. 

He'd avoided them like the plague in his own college years. 

The camera was following a young man with whitish-blonde hair and a devil’s smile as he walked through a hallway. He looked into the camera and raised a finger to his lips before throwing open what Sebastian assumed was the front door of the house. 

 

Ciel Phantomhive stood at the door, surprised, hand raised still to knock. 

 

The other student welcomed him warmly, arms thrown wide and practically dragging him into the hall, and Ciel’s tense posture seemed to melt away, though he still kept a private-school-stance. He’d certainly seemed to miss the memo for this party as he was dragged eagerly into another room, which seemed to be holding most of the attendees; they were wearing jeans and t-shirts, but Ciel was, for him, dressed down to a jacket, a pressed white shirt underneath, a silky blue ribbon still tied into a loose bow peeking out of his collar. The room was a sea of bodies, but as the boy with white hair pushed Ciel through the room, he seemed to meet little resistance. The cameraman had no such luck, and as the video feed was shaken and jolted, Sebastian saw a flare of bright red hair. 

Professor Grell Sutcliffe stood in the doorway, leaned against it and watching Ciel sadly. 

 

The feed cut out and started again, time stamped to five minutes later. The blond boy was standing next to Claude, both of them with a hand on Ciel and introducing him briefly to people. Ciel was trying  _ very _ hard to politely and properly greet everyone they introduced him to, but they dragged and jerked him from one to another usually before he could even extend a hand to shake, and after about three of these broken greetings, Ciel resorted to just smiling and waving at each new person. Some of them seemed to know what was going on; they stared at him hungrily, and while he didn't catch it, the camera certainly did. The blond had his hand on Ciel’s shoulder, and Claude had his resting on the small of Ciel’s back. It seemed like Ciel was trying to discreetly and politely shake them off, but neither budged. Over and over again, the blond was trying to offer Ciel drinks, but Ciel kept waving them down politely, though he was becoming strained. After the second time he had all but pressed a red plastic cup to Ciel’s mouth, the song over the speakers must have ended or something similar, because the audio very suddenly cut in and Ciel was saying, almost desperately, “--you know, I really can't drink. It's not good for me!” The blond frowned in the slightest, handing the cup off to someone else with silvery hair before reaching out and bringing back a beer bottle. 

“Drinking isn't good for anyone, but it's fun as all hell, so we do it anyway.” He smiled again, trying to hand Ciel the bottle. Claude turned around to look at something, and his hand dropped slightly lower on Ciel’s back. The audio cut out again, but Sebastian could see the words forming on Ciel’s lips. 

“No, thank you.” He kept saying, over and over again. 

“No, I don't want any!” 

He said, waving away everything they tried to hand him. Claude and the blond looked at each other over Ciel’s head as he dropped it, no doubt concerned over how they were going to drug him. 

From the sea of bodies, Alois emerged, covered in glow sticks. His smile slipped as he looked from Claude and the blond to Ciel, and grabbed Ciel by the wrist with a huge, very strained grin. He pulled him away from the two and swung him in a circle, laughing and dragging the overwhelmed Ciel through the bodies as his two ‘guardians’ gave chase. The camera followed Alois as he pulled Ciel through the crowd, seemingly talking animatedly and aiming towards another door. 

 

The feed cut out. 

It started again. 

It was time stamped to about fifteen minutes after the last one, and it looked like Alois was trying to teach Ciel how to play some kind of game with bean bags and boards of wood while handing out glowsticks and keeping himself tethered to Ciel by his hand on Ciel’s hip, effectively warding off Claude and the blond. There were two boards of wood set on ramps about ten feet apart, and each one had a hole cut in the center. Standing in front of one board, Alois was handing Ciel a bag and pointing to the hole in the other. Ciel had a pink glowstick around his wrist, and Alois was trying to put one around his neck, but Ciel was declining gently, so he handed it off carelessly. Claude was watching only a few feet behind with his arms crossed and a dangerously upset look on his face, and the blond was at the other board of wood, beer bottle in hand and arms crossed, though far more relaxed than Claude. He glanced up to the cameraman and nodded off in the direction of a closed door before heading towards it. 

 

The video feed cut and started again, audio with it now. The cameraman, Claude, the blond, and two more students were all closed into a bedroom, the party a dull roar under them. Claude was leaned into a corner with his arms crossed, the blond was pacing the length of the room irritably, the person behind the camera seemed to be standing at the door, a brown-haired student was perched on one of the beds, and another student with silver hair was laid out on the other. The last one seemed to be unconscious. 

“What do we do? He won't drink anything.” The cameraman finally spoke up. 

“Do you think he knows?” The blond worried. 

“No, he just doesn't drink. He was attacked, that's how he lost his eye; he probably can't mix alcohol with his medication for it.” Claude closed his eyes and leaned his head back. “We just need to get Alois out of here. He knows something is going on.”

“Okay, we kick him out, then what? Ciel still won't drink.”

“We get Alois out of here, we close all the windows,” the blond closed the window of the room they were in as a way to emphasize his point, “turn off the AC, he’ll have to get at least some water eventually.”

“But he won't take it from us.” Claude interjected. “He’ll think we’re still trying to get him to drink. Plus, if we pitch a fit to throw Alois out, Ciel might take his side and just leave with him.”

 

The feed was cut off. 

There were a handful of split-second shots as the camera followed the brown-haired student around the house, closing windows. 

 

The camera followed the blond back through the house, to the room Alois had dragged Ciel into. The two boys had moved on to some other game that resembled a mix of beer pong and darts, and had a large group standing behind and watching. As the camera drew closer and came up alongside the game board, most of the group was not watching the actual game, eyes cast down to Alois’ spandex shorts and Ciel’s somewhat more modest uniform shorts. Ciel was standing on his tiptoes, leaning as far forward as he could, a ping pong ball in hand. His tongue was sticking out just a bit with concentration. He’d turned his head to the right so he could see as best he could, and finally gave a toss. The ball bounced across the table and hit the target of double-sided tape, but he’d thrown it too hard and it didn't stick. Alois clapped eagerly anyway. Ciel laughed, a bit flushed. Alois was chattering away as he reached under the table and pulled out another ball, sticking a green spider sticker onto it. The audio cut in suddenly. 

“It's much harder when you have no depth perception!”

“I don't doubt it, Ciel! Look, I'll cover one eye when I throw too, so it's even.” 

“But then  _ you  _ have an unfair handicap! I've had years to get used to only getting half the picture.” 

“Stop it, I'm trying to be nice!” 

Alois hip-checked Ciel playfully as the audio cut out again. Claude burst through the crowd, and people suddenly found that the actual game was just as interesting as the players’ butts. Alois threw his ball; Claude caught it calmly. He tossed it back, expressionless. Alois caught it with a threatening glare. Ciel looked uncertainly from one to the other. The blond came up behind him and placed an arm around his waist; Ciel startled. The blond leaned over him and whispered something in his hair, leading him away gently. Ciel went with him, looking nervously over his shoulder back at Alois.

 

The feed cut in again, this time with audio. In some side room, the blond was reclined into the corner of a couch, one leg crossed widely over the other. Ciel was sitting next to him with his head down and shoulders hunched, ankles crossed and tucked tightly under the couch. The blond had his eyes closed and head leaned back as he talked. 

“...So, the two of them don't really get along too well. I'm just glad I got you out of there before it got messy.” 

“...Thank you, Aleistor. I'm sorry to get mixed up in other people’s business like that.”

“Nah, don't apologize for any of it. It's not you, I promise that. Don't worry about it.”

Ciel nodded. Aleistor uncrossed his legs and leaned closer, turning his head down so he could look into Ciel’s face. “It's really okay, okay? Er, are you gay? Sorry, I probably should've cleared that up before I even-”

“-No, no. Well, I--I don't know...I don't think so?” Aleistor leaned back again.

“You're not gay if you screwed a dude and decided you didn't like it.”

“-No, no, nothing like that! I've never, never--oh, goodness...I think I should leave.” 

Very red, Ciel tried to stand. Immediately, Aleistor’s hands were at his hips, pulling him back down softly. 

“Hold on, hold on, you're fine! It's not--look, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm sorry, it doesn't matter. I just didn't want you to feel like we don't like Alois and Claude being around each other because of that, it's not like that at all.”

“I--I know, I...oh, goodness…” 

Ciel let Aleistor sit him back down, taking a deep breath. The blond glanced up to the camera behind Ciel before back to him, and then leaned back to a table behind himself. He brought back a lump on a stick; it was really too dark to tell. 

“Have you had one of these caramel apples, yet? They're the ones they sell out on the corner of Third and Jacob, and they're great.” He held it out to Ciel, who looked from it to him uncertainly. Aleistor laughed, but it was strained just barely. “Come on, don't you trust me? Look--”

He took a bite out of the apple, and then held the other side of it out to Ciel. “--It’s good! Just try one bite?” 

Hesitantly, Ciel reached out and held the stick just above Aleistor’s hand, and leaned forward to try the apple.

 

The feed cut. 

 

It started again. 

 

Ciel was back in the main room of the party, and he had pulled his jacket off, holding it close to his chest. Aleistor pointed him towards the door they'd first come through. Less than half of the party’s attendees were still present; it was time stamped to well past midnight. Sebastian realized quite suddenly that he hadn't seen a single clock in the house. 

 

The feed cut again. 

 

It started. 

 

It was from the end of the hall, zoomed in on Ciel talking to someone in the doorway. He seemed far friendlier than he’d been all night, and when the person he was speaking to leaned forward and a lock of long red hair fell into sight, Sebastian knew why. 

“I didn't know professors came to these parties. I suppose I haven't yet been fully reassimilated into American culture, have I?” 

Ciel was speaking, but it was so quiet that Sebastian could barely hear. 

“No, I'm a rare exception.” Grell smiled. He leaned further forward so he could hear Ciel better. There was something uncharacteristically hesitant about his snaggle-toothed smile. “It's gotten very hot in here, hasn't it?”

“I'm a bit warm, too.”

“Here.” Grell handed Ciel a bottle of water, and Ciel took it with an odd look. 

“Oh...thank you!” 

Grell ruffled Ciel’s hair gently, and walked past him into the hall. 

“We can't have you getting ill from overheating, now.” 

There was no enthusiasm to his voice. As Ciel opened that water and took a drink from it, Grell turned around and stared directly at the camera. His face was strained; his eyes hung heavy and his mouth was a thin, sad line. He turned back around, and the door closed behind him. 

 

The feed cut out. 

 

Sebastian remembered the note attached to the drive. 

 

_ Please understand what I risk giving you this. Please understand what I've done, I had no choice in doing.  _

 

The feed started again. 

 

It was stamped to only four minutes after the last one, and Ciel was sitting in a chair quietly, holding half a bottle of water. His head was hanging and his eyelid was heavy. He lifted his head and looked around slowly, eyebrows deeply confused. Aleistor appeared and sat next to Ciel, placing a hand on his shoulder. He asked something, Sebastian assumed it was along the lines of ‘are you alright?’, and Ciel shook his head slowly. The audio cut in sharply, and stayed. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I…I feel faint...I should go home…” 

Aleistor’s hand tightened over his shoulder. Ciel reacted slowly. “What...what's going on..?”

“ _ Finally _ .” Aleistor locked his hand over Ciel’s shoulder. Ciel jerked out of his seat, trying to escape. He threw the water bottle at Aleistor, which hit him in the chest, before running away, crying out. He actually made it to the doorway before someone else grabbed him and held him back by his arms. Aleistor knelt, eye-to-eye with a brilliantly struggling Ciel. Though his movements were watery and slow, Ciel was pulling with enough might to pull his second attacker off balance. Aleistor didn't get a chance to speak before Ciel had spat in his face, stomped down on his restrainer’s foot, and escaped his grip. 

But he was faltering. 

He was running dizzily, hitting the frame of the door before actually making it through and into the room across the hall, where he was easily captured by a now-furious Aleistor. He grabbed Ciel again by the shoulder and flipped him over onto the pool table, sending a cue flying.

Ciel let out a snarl of pain as his back smashed into the table, grabbing the arm holding him down. Aleistor shook his hair out of his face with a wild look to his eyes. He licked his lips, beginning to laugh. 

Ciel looked nothing short of ferocious, mouth still curved into a snarl. His nails ripped into Aleistor’s shirt and he slashed out with his other hand, catching Aleistor by surprise. He raked his nails across his face and grabbed at his ear, viciously willing to rip it off. His attacker closed his hand around Ciel’s throat and held it tightly, daring him to keep fighting. Ciel froze as he was, chest heaving and unfocused eye wide. Aleistor held him down with the one hand as he pried Ciel’s slender wrists from his arm and face. 

Someone handed him a zip-tie. 

He began to laugh again as he closed Ciel’s wrists together, maniacal, slow cackling. 

“Gentlemen,” he breathed, some sort of wonder to his voice as his fingertips fell to Ciel’s cheek, stroking his hair out of his face almost tenderly, “I would like you to meet the lovely little Ciel Phantomhive.”

The room laughed. Ciel did not flinch as Aleistor stroked across his face with the tips of his fingers, tracing his tightly closed lips, brushing against his eyelashes, and resting finally over his eyepatch. Ciel took a deep breath of air through the hand at his neck. Aleistor finally addressed the blood dripping down his cheek. He felt the cuts and inspected the red left on his hand. Was he impressed as he looked back at the boy under him? It was hard to tell. 

 

The camera shifted from behind Ciel to over Aleistor’s shoulder, focusing on their victim’s face. 

Ciel was breathing shallowly, carefully. His pupil was dilated and his brow a frightened, hurt curve carved into his features. 

“You really thought I was a great guy, didn't you? I really had you fooled.” Aleistor preened. He ran his hands down Ciel’s sides, holding his waist and pulling him further down the table. Ciel’s eyes darted somewhere, and back to Aleistor. He relaxed fractionally. 

Aleistor’s sneer fell as he traced Ciel’s eyepatch, following the straps to the back of his head as if he were to untie it. “I really do think that the eyepatch makes you cuter, somehow.” He remarked to Ciel. 

Of course, he hadn't been expecting Ciel to answer, but he did. 

“Let’s see how it looks on you.” 

He breathed, before his hands closed around a billiards ball and he smashed it into Aleistor’s brow. 

Aleistor gave a sharp howl of pain and dropped like a doll stuffed with lead. Ciel scrabbled backwards across the table, falling off of it and rolling. He made it to his feet but couldn't keep standing, and it didn't matter anyway because someone was already on him again. 

“ _ GIVE HIM MORE!”  _ Aleistor snarled from where he had fallen, and the clip ended. 

 

It started again from the same position. 

 

Ciel was back on the table, barely breathing. 

All the balls had been taken off the table and Aleistor held a bloody patch of cloth to the wound above his eye. 

Sebastian felt brilliantly proud of Ciel as he saw how much he had fought back. 

Except now it looked like he’d finally succumbed. 

His eyelid hung low and his chest rose and fell lazily. He just looked sleepy, to anyone who hadn't known. Aleistor seemed to be put out of his mood, as anyone could be, but clearly not enough to give up. 

“I have to admit, you're quite the fighter. But, like everyone else, you're still here. You're still here.” Aleistor reached out swiftly and plucked Ciel’s eyepatch away. 

Ciel, barely capable of focusing on much of anything, let his eyes fall upon his attacker with a kind of sorrow so deep that Sebastian’s hands began to shake. 

Aleistor made some kind of unrecognizable face as he held Ciel’s and inspected his eye. He seemed bewildered, but far from disgusted. “I just assumed it was an empty hole, or something.” He finally said. 

He stared for a long time. 

His hand relaxed from Ciel’s waist, and he seemed to ease his weight off Ciel’s hips. 

Ciel took a sharp breath and recoiled, confused.

Aleistor snarled harshly, suddenly, and his hand moved from Ciel’s waist to the collar of his shirt. He ripped it open in a single pull. 

The little royal blue ribbon at his throat flew away, along with the buttons of his shirt. 

Ciel gave a weak squall, unable to do more than softly kick as Aleistor stripped him roughly. 

Somewhere, somebody dropped something made of glass, and it shattered in the background. 

Wind began to blow through the curtains of a window someone finally opened.

The table began to creak as Aleistor rocked into Ciel on top of it.

None of the sounds could override Ciel’s cries, though. 

Still soft, like a frightened kitten or lonely child, but desperate, begging for help that would never come. 

 

There was a bout of laughter as Aleistor pulled out a switchblade and clicked it open. 

 

“So soon, Allie?” Someone jeered. 

 

The call went ignored as the camera shifted. Aleistor dragged the blade against Ciel’s inner thigh, slicing a long, deep cut in a straight line, never stopping his relentless jerking thrusts. 

 

Ciel was too weak to even scream out his pain. A single tear dropped from his cheek. 

  
  


The feed cut out.

 

It started again, Claude looming over Ciel, who was too out of it to even properly cough but was barely breathing.

 

“He’s got asthma, you idiot.” Claude growled at someone off-screen. Three more cuts had joined the first from Aleistor against Ciel’s leg, hanging limply from the table. Blood trickled in a small stream from the cuts to drip against the floor. Ciel’s neck was painted with purple and blue finger-shaped bruises and his hips were dotted with fingernail cuts from being held too tight. Ciel hacked again, coughing out something that looked horrifically similar to a used condom. Claude swore in disgust and anger, tripping over a beer can as he backed away. “Do you guys seriously want a body on your hands? Do you know how hard it would be to clean this up if he became a corpse? Jesus.”

 

The feed cut out. 

 

It started again. 

 

This time, the person holding the camera was the one on top of Ciel, and the camera was focused on Ciel’s face as it rocked back and forth in the picture. 

 

He was barely conscious. 

 

His head lolled and his eyes were barely open, but he made direct eye contact with whoever was above him, on him, in him, as if, if he could only just speak, he would be begging. 

 

Yet he could not speak. He could not move. 

 

He could only stare at the person holding the camera. A trickle of blood had formed in the corner of his parted lips, and ran down his face. 

The cameraman gave a grunt and the sickening movement of the camera slowed. 

 

Finally, Ciel’s eyes fluttered shut, and he fainted. 

 

The camera pulled away from Ciel and followed his body down to his leg, where the cameraman was carving another line into Ciel’s leg. On top of the first four, a fifth had been cut diagonally in a tally, and next to the first five lived another two, which were quickly becoming three. 

There was hardly an inch of his body not in some way desecrated. Bruises were laid over one another like footprints showing who had walked in and taken advantage of Ciel across his neck and wrists and waist and hips and even his knees. An angry rash had formed from his shoulders down his entire back from rubbing against the carpeted table, though only the edges of it could be seen. It looked as if someone had done shots across his stomach and chest. His sides were raked with fingernail cuts as his assailants had dragged their hands over him, and someone had taken a marker and written and drawn all over his body, making marks of sensitive places and counting the times he had managed to say ‘please’ and a drinking game to count the shots taken whenever he managed the word ‘stop’. 

 

The camera focused on his eyepatch, which lay under the table, and then the slowly rising sun outside. 

 

It went back to Ciel, whose eyelids suddenly fluttered as he gave a hoarse, pathetic groan. 

 

The feed cut out. 

 

It didn't start again. 

  
  
  


Sebastian still stared at the screen, hollow, trying to comprehend it. Very suddenly, he gasped a hoarse breath, and it came back out as a sob. Shaking hands slammed the computer shut. Shaking hands grabbed the drink next to it and took it in a single move.

Steadier hands put the empty glass back down. 

A shaking mind looked back to the cabinet of alcohol. 

A shaking body stood and moved to it. 

 

There was a knock at the door, which Sebastian was now standing next to, and he threw it open hastily, not thinking about consequences. 

 

Ciel Phantomhive stood at the door, surprised, hand raised still to knock.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ,':3c

“...Sebastian? I--I mean, Professor, are you alright? This--This is a bad time, I'm sorry, I'll go-”

“-Ciel.”

He froze mid-sentence, staring up at Sebastian frightfully. 

Sebastian buckled, falling to his knees. He looked up at Ciel. He really did look like a lost kitten, looking for warmth, or comfort, but never really expecting it. Sebastian wrapped his arms around his shoulders and hugged him, tight, fighting tears. Ciel’s hands were still out, and he could have easily pushed Sebastian off if he wanted to, but he didn't. 

“I...I’m just trying to find my inhaler…” Ciel finally said, a shake to his voice. Sebastian gave a weak laugh, but choked back a sob and held Ciel tighter. 

“I'm so  _ sorry _ .” Sebastian whispered, and his voice broke. He said it, again and again. “I'm so sorry, Ciel, I'm so sorry.” 

He’d never be able to say it enough. 

“I--I’m confused, what's going on? What happened? Are you okay? Is--this is about the hospital, right?”

Sebastian took a deep breath and let go of Ciel, leaning back and exhaling shakily. He stood, leaning heavily against his door frame. 

He tried to find some way to be subtle, some way to beat around the bush, but finally, all that came out was,

“I saw the video.” 

  
  


He wasn't sure exactly what happened next, but then Ciel was curled up in a chair in the living room, the little cat asleep in the center of his curl, against his legs, and Sebastian was leaned back across his couch. They were both holding glasses of wine; Sebastian had no idea where it had come from, he didn't normally drink wine. Ciel was staring off into nothing, holding his glass loosely, having yet to actually take a drink. Slowly, he had opened his mouth, but closed it again. 

Sebastian took a sip from his drink. It was a dark red, but tasted cheap. He couldn't have cared less. If he looked at it long enough, he would start to see the wine like the blood on Ciel’s body again. 

“Do...you know..?”

Ciel began, still staring off, speaking slowly, voice weak,

“...what I did? After the party?”

His voice began to waver. “After I went home?”

Sebastian set down his glass and stood up, moving in front of the chair. He knelt to look at Ciel’s face, but he still stared away. 

“I wrote,” his face contorted with disgust. “I wrote a thank-you letter.” 

His eyes filled with tears. “I went home, and I took a shower, and I sat down at the table, and I got out some paper, and I wrote a thank-you note.” 

Ciel was crying now, free tears running down his cheek and welling under his eyepatch. “‘Thank you’, I said, ‘Thank you for inviting me to your most recent party. But, I think’, I said, ‘I think I will not be attending any in the future, and I think I have lost interest in your fraternity.’ And I sent it. I sent them a  _ thank-you letter _ .”

His voice broke and trailed away. Sebastian wanted to hold him again. Ciel took a quiet drink from his glass, shaking. He propped his elbow on the armrest and his chin on his hand, and he looked away again. “I couldn't get the marker off. I tried baby oil, and rubbing alcohol, and toothpaste...I couldn't get it off. It took almost a month for it all to fade away. And every time I looked in the mirror...there it was.” 

Sebastian placed his hand on Ciel’s knee. The little cat woke up and began to purr. Ciel sniffled malevolently. 

“Ciel, I--I need to apologize. Really, apologize. I should never have left you in the hospital-”

“-No. Don't say that. I don't blame you for a second.” Ciel suddenly jerked back to reality and his head snapped to Sebastian in dauntless eye contact. Carefully, to be certain that he could not be misunderstood, Ciel spoke with power. “You've done more for me than a single other person in...years. I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. Don't you dare apologize for leaving when it was too much. Honestly, I'm not sure I wanted you there.”

Ciel sunk slowly back into the seat, turning away again. Sebastian sat down more, and his hand unintentionally shifted further up Ciel’s leg. Ciel didn't react. 

“You hadn't wanted me there from the beginning.” Sebastian laughed softly. Ciel took another sip instead of answering. Sebastian reached out and scratched the cat behind the ears. She woke with a happy purr. 

“I still don't know why I trusted you, you know.” Ciel murmured.

“You didn't, I stuck my face into your business until you had no choice.” Sebastian chuckled. Ciel sneezed suddenly, and the cat streaked from his lap. He sniffled and made a face. 

“Sorry. I'm allergic to cats.”

“Bless you!” Sebastian laughed, startled. Ciel looked at him quizzically. 

“It's so weird to hear a Religious Studies professor say that.”

Ciel gave a sort of lopsided half-smile to show that he was only joking, but he looked far too pained. Sebastian reached out and held onto his hand. Ciel let him. 

They sat in silence for a few moments. Sebastian half-consciously wondered what they would look like to a person who did not know them. They were, after all, a teacher sitting on the floor holding the hand of a student drinking wine. 

“How did you leave the hospital?” Sebastian said, finally. He’d been wondering. 

“Uh, through the doors? It was only a bad fever and some missed medicine. Though, not easily, hmph. My aunt manages my mu-- _ mom _ ’s insurance, and of course I still fall under it. She had no idea I was even back in the States, and she was  _ not happy _ I didn't tell her.” Ciel brought his glass to his lips, but didn't actually drink any. “I love her, truly, but she's...oh, she was worse off in past years than I am. She wants me to come home, but...I couldn't. Not yet.” 

“Ciel, when was the last time you saw your mother?” 

Ciel took on a different look. Slowly, he lifted his hand and moved it over the back of his hair. Eyes cast down, he pulled his patch away. It fell into his lap with his hand, and Sebastian watched him open his eyes,  _ really _ open his eyes, and felt himself see just as well. 

Hoarsely, Ciel spoke. 

“I haven't seen anyone in a very long time, Sebastian.” 

 

And then, before Sebastian had control of what he was doing, while the air between them was still fragrant with wine and poor decisions and the lamps in the corners of the room were dimmed by one another’s shadows and Ciel was on the verge of actually letting out whatever it was he had been clinging to, Sebastian had closed his hands around Ciel’s, set the glass somewhere, who cared where, and closed the distance between them. 

He might’ve been tipsy; he might've tricked himself into thinking love was a real thing; he might've just finally given in to the loneliness that suffocated his life from the inside of a bottle he tried so desperately to crawl out of; or, maybe, he had just really wanted to kiss Ciel since the first time he’d seen him. But it didn't matter, he was holding Ciel’s jaw close so he could, and he did, and he was, and Ciel might've been startled but he certainly wasn't making Sebastian stop. 

At some point, there was half a second where Ciel pulled back and Sebastian let go of him, and still so close, they breathed out the shock and euphoria and Ciel gave a weak laugh, but it was genuine, and that was all Sebastian had ever needed and Ciel’s hand fell around Sebastian’s neck and then there were no consequences, there were no boundaries, there were only two souls like stars trapped inside their own dying skins as Ciel kissed him back, his mouth pressing against Sebastian’s in a way that was unsure but still somehow so comforting, and some pure bliss took Sebastian by the neck and throttled him violently, because how else could he have been so ignorant to reason, so willingly pulling Ciel into his lap as he took the chair, how else could he have so slurringly smiled out Ciel’s name, literally humming through the smiles between each kiss, how else could he explain how easily Ciel gave in? 

It didn't matter. 

It didn't matter because he had and they were there, together, and sure Ciel might have had tears drying on his cheeks but his hands were at Sebastian’s neck and he was holding on to keep him close and it was genuine and that was more than anything Ciel had ever known or expected to receive. 

In that time, in that night that could never have hoped now to worm its way out of the steel trap of Sebastian’s most important memories, shelved neatly between the sound of a shotgun and running his hand over Ciel’s leg and feeling the scars that lived there, all that mattered was how  _ alive  _ they felt, how truly, meaningfully alive, and it may not have been happy, but fuck it all if it didn't make Sebastian think that maybe,  _ maybe _ , he had been wrong on the day he had decided that love was bullshit to excuse the filth people did that was no longer in the sake of creating offspring. Maybe he had been wrong that day, because Ciel was here, and real, and like some kind of dream Sebastian never wanted to wake from, and Sebastian almost felt like they would be okay. Like he could make Ciel feel like it was okay.

  
Sebastian pushed a kiss into Ciel’s throat gently, trying not to imagine the bruises that had once marred its beautiful surface and Ciel gave a pleasant and soft moan. Even he seemed surprised by it, and he jerked back slightly to look at Sebastian, afraid he had done something bad, when Sebastian sunk his hands into Ciel’s hips and pulled him closer so he could shower Ciel’s neck and cheeks and jaw in kisses. Ciel’s hands weakly pawed at Sebastian’s shirt, and as he pressed his lips against the corner of Ciel’s jaw and he let out another sound, Sebastian thought 

_ This is too much for me, I'm going to do something awful if this keeps up. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, my little baby dorks. 
> 
> after all the trauma I've put them through, they deserve at least this.


	15. Chapter 15

Ciel woke up with a small start. He didn't move at first, wonderfully comfortable. The blankets were soft, and slightly cool, and piled up overtop of him heavily, and he was laying on top of what felt like a big space heater. He felt sunlight on his face and heard birds chirping and tweeting pleasantly through an open window somewhere, but he wasn't concerned about time. For whatever reason, he felt more rested than he had in years, but he wasn't prepared to get up just yet. He slung an arm up over the warmth provider, and was about to go back to sleep, when it hugged back. 

And then Ciel's hangover very suddenly got less heavy and he bristled up, looking down in nothing less than horror at Sebastian, who was slowly coming to remember what Ciel couldn't. He was looking up at Ciel, naked under Sebastian's shirt, far too big and perfectly sating his possessive tendencies, his eyepatch lost somewhere, his hair an adorable mess. Sebastian began to realize that Ciel was staring in shock, and closed his eyes again as what they had done slowly sank in.    
"Oh my god, we-"   
"-I think we did. I mean--I don't remember a lot, but we definitely--"   
"Oh my god." Sebastian sat up, discovering a small bruise on the side of his neck.    
"Oh, Jesus, did I do that? Oh, Jesus, did you do this?!" Ciel had pulled Sebastian's shirt off his shoulders and exposed at least three dozen hickeys and bite marks.    
"Oh my god."   
"Oh my god, what am I supposed to do about this? I have a class today, and I've got appointments, oh my god." Ciel ran a panicked hand through his bedhead, freezing and bristling more.    
"Oh my god."   
"Oh my god!"   
Ciel untangled a clip-in cat ear from his hair, and looked like he was about to be sick.    
"This isn't mine."   
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I don't-"   
"Oh my god." Ciel leaned over Sebastian and brought back an empty bottle of whiskey.    
"Did we drink all of this?"    
"Oh my god."   
"Oh my god." They stared at each other, completely bewildered. Ciel seemed to finally notice what was missing and slapped a hand over his eye, turning that side of his face away from Sebastian with a flush.    
"You're more worried about your eye than the fact that we had sex?"   
"No! Well, I'm not concerned about sex at all, you know it's just...different, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable by having to look at my weird eye!"   
"Hold on, no you--okay, Jesus Christ, that's a lot of bruises, I'm so sorry, Ciel-- I mean--holy shit, did I really do all that?" As Sebastian tried to talk, Ciel was slowly removing his shirt, finding more and more marks in increasingly odd places. He wasn't trying to, he'd never been trying to, but he was driving Sebastian up a wall with his lip biting and little microexpressions of discomfort and embarrassment, and his skin, his kiss, was so soft, Sebastian wanted nothing more than to taste it again. Speaking of...   
"...We kissed..." Ciel touched his lip and glanced up. Sebastian nodded lazily, feeling less than no remorse.    
"A lot."    
"Okay, let's just--I'd like to get dressed, and get up, okay?"   
"Only if you swear you'll stick around so we can talk about this."    
Queasy, Ciel nodded.    
  
Sebastian dressed quickly, having his own closet in the room, and spent a few minutes not-so-discreetly watching Ciel hunt for his clothes from last night. The more he hunted, the worse he felt; he came across the other cat ear, black and white ones that didn't match his hair like his own, a second half-empty bottle of wine, and at least three abandoned drinking glasses. Sebastian felt no remorse upon seeing them, rather a pride at having somehow bedded him, and also the shock and panic and fear of what he may have done to his crush. Crush, that was a word he wouldn't have used, but it certainly was accurate. 

Search as they did, they could not find Ciel’s shirt from the night before, and so he was wearing a wool sweater Sebastian had accidentally put in the dryer and forgot to throw out. Shrunk as it was, it was still much too big for Ciel. It was driving Sebastian crazy. He laughed at the look on Ciel’s face when he looked down at it and saw which college Sebastian had graduated from (that's even better than Butler!) and Sebastian very suddenly felt a twinge of some emotion he'd never known before. 

Very sensitive to alcohol, Ciel stumbled with poorly-moving fingers to get his eyepatch back onto his face, and finally sick of watching him try, Sebastian stepped forward. Their feet were almost touching and Ciel was far too short, so Sebastian knelt down. It was a bit better. Ciel didn't really protest, but his body language was clearly uncomfortable as Sebastian began to tenderly fix his hair, combing it with his fingers, and then stretching the eyepatch back into place.    
"Thanks." He mumbled when Sebastian stood up again, turning his head away.

“This...this is weird. How--okay, I don't know how to approach this, I don't think you do either.”

Ciel swallowed awkwardly and ran a hand over his hair, looking around the room. 

“Can we go into the kitchen? It's just--it's weird to talk about this in the room, y’know?”

Sebastian swung the door open and let out an ‘ _ oh, shit’ _ as he saw the state the living room was in. Ciel looked nothing short of mortified. The couch cushions were tossed onto the floor in front of the couch haphazardly (yeah, he definitely remembered being on top of those), one of the chairs was tipped over (he remembered that too), and there were distinct handprints on the wall where Ciel had leaned (actually, Sebastian wasn't sure he remembered that, which felt vaguely like a damn shame). 

“Oh...kay...how do you feel about...going out for breakfast?” Sebastian said, trying to break the tension. 

Only because he had said he would, Ciel nodded.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >insert shitsfucked.mp3 here

Ciel had insisted they stay well away from the school campus, and Sebastian couldn't have agreed more, so they ducked into a little corner café where the windows were covered with water walls. 

The effect played soothing light throughout the little space, separated on two platforms. On one side, the higher and smaller platform, there was a glass counter with hand-made sweets and pastries in displays and a menu hanging from the ceiling, and the other was an array of tables and mismatched chairs. The entire back wall was made of shelves and filled with books, with a hand-painted sign that read  _ Rent us! Read us! Finish a book and get half off your next order! _

There were only two others in the café, a barista and an older man with a book open over his coffee. 

“This place is cute.” Sebastian finally said. Ciel crossed his arms and nodded. The collar of the sweater fell off his shoulder, and Sebastian twitched away. He was surprised Ciel hasn't asked for a scarf, or something; his shoulders and neck were absolutely ravished. 

They found a table pushed into the corner with a high-backed-and-sided chair and one shaped sort of like an egg. Ciel tucked quietly into the first after determining that it would be difficult to see him, and Sebastian took the other because he didn't care. Ciel crossed his legs almost daintily and yawned behind a hand. 

“You know,” he finally murmured, “I don't drink coffee.” The edges of his eye squinted as a smile, but his mouth remained a sober line. If Sebastian didn't look at his lips and only focused on the upper half of his face, Ciel would be smiling, but if he focused on the lower half, he was not. Reverse Mona Lisa. But, as long as he didn't look at Ciel’s mouth, he  _ could  _ have been smiling, even though he also could not have been. Schrödinger’s smile.

Sebastian felt weird. 

“They've got tea. You must drink that, you lived in Britain.”

Ciel swallowed a snort of laughter.

“You know your food sucks when you put vinegar on it to taste better and your water isn't clean when they've got to boil it with leaves to make it tolerable.” 

“You have fond memories of London, huh?” 

Ciel didn't answer. He yawned, which could've been an answer. 

“My aunt would send me sweets almost every week. She signed me up for some kind of monthly subscription, too, that would send boxes of candies from around the world, and I always had this big stockpile of them, because if I could've eaten them until I got sick I likely would’ve, but I would just feel awful after eating one or two. They said it was some kind of depressive reaction, where you don't want things you used to love. It was the strangest feeling.” 

He’d changed the subject, which could have been an answer. 

“You had a strong sweet tooth, huh?” 

Again, Sebastian was surprised with how easy it was to respond to Ciel.

“I always did, but after everything, I've neglected it diligently. Like I said, I’d feel awful.”

They both settled into their chairs, having run out of things to say. Ciel finally bothered to pull the shoulder of his sweater back up. He stood, and stretched carefully. “I'm going to order some tea. Want anything?”

“Coffee.”

“Just black, or..?”

“As black and as hot as the deepest pits of Hell.” Sebastian responded, with a completely serious face. 

The humor of his little jab gave Ciel a sudden snort of laughter. 

“I'm going to order it exactly like that, I hope you know.” 

Sebastian smiled fondly. 

He watched Ciel slowly lose his confidence as he neared the counter before squaring his shoulders and walking right up to it anyway, and that weird feeling came back. It seemed to live in the bottom of his stomach, as if it was always there, but would rise through his chest and push against the insides of his throat in moments like this one. He tried to swallow and make it go back down, but it wouldn't leave. He closed his eyes and thought, hard, about the night prior. 

If he worked through it hard enough, Ciel was still sitting in his lap and he was still sitting in that chair, and they were just looking at one another. Had that actually happened? Sebastian thought it possible. Ciel’s arms were around his neck loosely, his wrists only just resting at the conjunction of his shoulders and neck, and he was breathing heavily. So was Sebastian, but he was hardly breathless. His hands were running the length of Ciel’s sides and searching over his body, and though Ciel was trying to protest, Sebastian managed to find all the right spots, as if Ciel wasn't already so fond of physical affection. 

“You could...nnn...you could get in so much trouble!” Ciel had tried to say, but couldn't even make it all the way through his sentence without a soft sound as Sebastian stretched his fingers up Ciel’s leg, reaching under his shorts. He was smiling, anyway. “Really, you don't want to get fired, do you?” 

Sebastian had laughed as he rested his hand on Ciel’s waist and he glanced down almost feverishly. 

“I could get fired for a good many other things too, but it hasn't happened yet. I wouldn't be worried.” He traced Ciel’s jaw and brought him close by just the tips of his fingers so he could kiss him again, lightly. One of Ciel’s hands fell from Sebastian’s shoulder to the center of his chest, discovering a wildly beating heart. Sebastian had already coaxed Ciel out of his jacket and was toying with the top button of his shirt, mouth against his pale neck, when a thought crossed his mind and everything stopped. He leaned back, his hands retreated from Ciel, and his eyes met with concerned, partially blinded ones. 

“...Sebastian?”

“Ciel, if you don't want me to do anything, tell me. I swear to you, I won't do a single thing if you ask me not to.” 

Ciel gave a warm, genuinely touched little hum and held Sebastian’s face in his hand, tracing the line of his lower lip with his thumb. Sebastian took the hand and held it where it was, closing his eyes for a moment under the comfort. Ciel stroked through Sebastian’s hair. 

“You're so funny. You really think I'd still be here if I didn't want to be around you? Come on, I've been taken advantage of once already!”

Ciel gave a laugh, but it was more condescending than amused, before pressing a kiss to Sebastian’s forehead. Sebastian didn't answer; he pulled at Ciel’s shirt again instead.

There was a sharp laugh from the other side of the cafe and Sebastian jerked his head up. The barista was laughing obnoxiously and Ciel was looking at her with a sense of shock. He hadn't thought it was all that funny. Sebastian cracked a smile as Ciel dipped his head in response to the woman. He returned to their table with his head down, biting his lip and looking severely flustered. 

“Well, I guess that one was popular.” Sebastian finally said. Ciel scooted the cup of coffee across the table with a weak smile. 

“You're funnier than I give you credit for.” He said, holding his tea close to his face. Sebastian leaned back and took a drink. Ciel made a partially disgusted face,eyeing the scalding and bitter drink. 

“I have to be, or nobody would like me.” He responded without thinking. Ciel kept on smiling, and it filled Sebastian with some kind of giddy delight. “‘Course, that hasn't been totally true since I had my face rearranged.”

Ciel’s face dropped like a knife through paper, and he looked up at Sebastian with shock. Slowly, concernedly, he placed his tea on the table. 

“You don't really think that people are only around because you're handsome, do you?”

 

Sebastian wanted to immediately scoff and deny the accusation, but he suddenly found that he wasn't so sure. He looked helplessly at Ciel instead of answering. 

Softly, Ciel reached out and brushed Sebastian's hair over his ear. His fingertips traced the scar behind it, and he let his touch fall to the front of Sebastian’s jaw. His face was nearly unreadable, but felt somewhat softer than normal. Quietly, with a satisfied sort of tone, Ciel murmured,

“You are  _ so  _ much  _ more _ than your face, Sebastian. You're so much more beautiful than just what I can see.”

Ciel’s phone, laying facedown on the table, went off, and it startled Ciel back to reality. He dropped his hand and flushed, sheepishly looking around to see if anyone had caught them as he brought his tea back to his lips. He didn't bother to check his phone, though, not when he could still be looking at Sebastian, who was suddenly aware that a tear had run down his face. He wiped it off quickly and let his hands rest around his coffee. 

“Any--anyway, about...what happened last night…” 

Ciel retreated into his chair and crossed his legs. 

“I was almost hoping we’d just gloss right over that.” He responded candidly, lifting his tea to his mouth. 

“Well, I guess what I want to know is, did you regret that?”

Ciel looked at him oddly. 

“Not at all.” He said with certainty. 

“Then there's that.” Sebastian said. Ciel brought his tea to his mouth again. 

“You're still my professor. Still  _ totally _ illegal.” Ciel murmured. 

“In, what, half a month..? I won't be. But then what?” 

Ciel’s phone dinged again. He pushed it to the edge of the table. 

“You're, what, twenty-five? Twenty-six?”

“Twenty-six.”

“Right. I'm almost eighteen...that's not really a huge age difference, I guess.”

“My parents are sixteen years apart.” Sebastian added. Ciel brought his tea to his lips again, and Sebastian realized that he hadn't actually ever drunk any of his tea, he’d just been pretending to to avoid lulls in the conversation. 

Sebastian could respect that. 

Ciel’s phone began to ring as someone actually called him, and he made a face. “Somebody is really trying to get a hold of you.” Sebastian commented, trying to welcome him to answer. Ciel continued to ignore it. 

“It's probably my three-thirty, pissed I didn't show up. Besides, you're right here, and it can't be more important than you. If it's truly so important, they'll leave a voicemail.”

He took an actual drink of his tea. The phone stopped ringing, and then started again as the person on the other line immediately called back. Sebastian waved a hand at it. “Fine!” Ciel said, upset, placing his tea on the table almost roughly and swiping up his phone. “Hello?!” 

He’d answered angrily, almost confrontational, but the look slid from his face to fall into shock and silence. 

Sebastian set his drink down. 

Ciel stood abruptly. “Are you sure?” 

The person on the other line said something. 

Ciel’s head jerked up, staring straight ahead. “How? What--what--”

The other speaker interrupted, and Ciel listened diligently. “...And him, too?”

The other person responded shortly. “Yes. Of course. Sunday? Three. I'll be there. I--I’m so sorry...please, if there's anything I can do…”

The other speaker spoke again. “Of course. Thank you. I’m so sorry, again. I pray for them both.”

Ciel pulled his phone away from his head and hung up without glancing to the screen. His arm fell limply to his side, and he continued to stare off into the distance. 

 

“Ciel...is everything alright?”

 

“Alois…” 

 

Ciel took a deep breath.

  
“Alois is dead, Sebastian.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unlike a certain spider-boy, I am still alive, and promise more regular updates!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first, let me say I am so, so, SO sorry for my unexpected hiatus! I was very busy completing my cosplays for my local comicon (if you follow my tumblr, you know this already). and haven't even had time to do my real work! That being said, I will return with approximately weekly updates, and I have begun a new Black Butler story that will also be updating regularly! 
> 
> Please forgive my absence, and enjoy the chapter!

 

“He's...he's  _ dead _ ?”

Sebastian didn't really have to confirm; as soon as Ciel said it aloud, the realization hit him, and his legs gave out. He clattered against the table loudly, grabbing it for support, and in an instant Sebastian was up and prepared to grab him. Ciel slapped his hands away. 

“No. Sebastian, you--you need to get out of here, you need to clean up from last night, get rid of any trace that I was ever at your house, you have to--you have to destroy your copy of my blackmail video, you have to pretend you don't know about any of it and  _ pretend you don't know me _ . You'll get much worse than fired if you get mixed up in this. I refuse to allow that to happen, I--I--”

“--Ciel, calm down, you're not making any sense. What happened? Why would I be in trouble?”

“Sebastian, Alois killed himself.” Ciel finally looked up at Sebastian, glancing around him to see the man and the barista staring, and hastily scanned the rest of the room as he gathered his phone and cup. “You need to make up an alibi for where you were last night and during this morning, you-”

“-Hold on, Ciel, hold on! This still doesn't have anything to do with me. What happened?”

“Alois killed  _ Claude _ before himself. At least that--that's what I've been told.” Ciel began to choke up, trying to fight against it fiercely. “He--right on the lawn in front of their house, he stabbed Claude to death, and ran away, and--and they only just found him, but they said he slit his throat as soon as he got to where he’d been, and now--now the whole frat’s being investigated, and they're going to find out _ everything _ , and you can _ not  _ be involved in this when they do. I won't let you get involved in this.”

“Ciel, Ciel, you need to take a second...sit back down…”

“No, no, I need to get out of here, and go find Gr--go find someone to help me get my argument together, they're going to--the police are going to find everything, there's no way they can't, but when that happens you need to stay out of this, and--and--”

Ciel was beginning to gasp for air, panicked, hand grabbing at his chest tightly. 

“Ciel, it's okay. It's going to be okay.”

“Sebastian,  _ please _ , just listen to me. I'll get this figured out, I promise, but I need you to listen to me.”

Sebastian was prepared to fight back, but as soon as Ciel looked up at him with eyes that should have been crying, but were set instead into the face of a boy who had seen too much death to ever trust himself with that weakness again, found he was helpless to do more than nod solemnly. Ciel took a sharp breath that wasn't as strong as it should've been, and Sebastian’s own breath caught in his throat in concern. He leaned forward and knelt down slightly. Ciel was fidgeting deliberately with his eyepatch as he tried to slow his breathing, eye closed tight. Sebastian placed a hand on Ciel’s shoulder, almost to comfort himself more than him, and even though he’d tried not to, Sebastian could feel it. Ciel had leaned into his touch. “I...he...Alois tried to save me. He had tried to save me.”

Ciel opened his eye again and his brows fell deep into his face. “He’d been so rude to me, at first. He had tried so hard to just keep me away from all of it, but then he was so kind, and he tried to tell me, tried to warn me...I never believed him until it was too late, and now--now--”

Ciel covered his mouth with his hand.

“Now it's too late for him.”

Sebastian pulled his arm in with Ciel held to it, and hugged him softly. Ciel’s hand reached out and closed around the side of Sebastian’s neck, whimpering. 

They were like that for a few minutes, but Ciel did not cry. 

He had wanted to, once upon a time. 

But he never did. Slowly, he untangled himself from Sebastian’s arms and, almost as an afterthought, pressed his lips to Sebastian’s cheek in a chaste kiss. “I swear, once this is all over, if--if you’d still be interested, we’ll come together again. But I just--it’s not safe right now. For either of us.”

Sebastian had let his hand fall limply from where Ciel had extracted himself, but as Ciel moved away, he reached out suddenly. He held Ciel’s jaw and kissed the top of his head. 

“Just...just don’t let your grades slip.” Sebastian laughed weakly. Ciel leaned into his touch with a soft smile before breaking it, and then hurried out of the café and ran across the street. On the other side of the water wall, a blur with white hair reached out to the student, and they disappeared together into a dark car. 

 

Sebastian sat at their little table for the next half an hour, trying to stomach the rest of his coffee long after it had gone cold. It wasn't until after his legs were stiff from sitting for so long that he stood and left. He'd been inside for so long that his meter had expired; there was no ticket, but he felt guilty all the same. 

 

He got lost trying to find his way home, and aimlessly wandering the roads, felt his eyes begin to sting. He’d never lost a student before. He thought of Alois’ bubbly smile, and regretted ever considering it to be obnoxious. He remembered how different he had been at the hospital, how tense and frightened Claude had made him. He imagined what it must have felt like to finally kill him, if it was any relief at all to Alois, or just more grief. Either way, Claude always ended up responsible for both his death and Alois’ in Sebastian’s mind. Sebastian rested his elbow on the windowsill of the car door and rubbed the back of his neck. He could still feel where Ciel’s hands had rested, the ghosts still tracing his jaw from behind his ear and closed around the side of his throat. He imagined how Ciel would kill Aleistor, had he been in Alois’ place. Would he ever  _ be _ in that position? Where there was nowhere else to turn and no other options? 

Sebastian tried very hard not to think about it any more. 

 

He wasn't sure how he ended up home again, but when he glanced up, he was in his driveway. He parked and shut the car off, and leaned back in his seat. He closed his eyes and breathed, calculating each breath like it was a controlled substance. Sebastian unbuckled his seatbelt and extracted himself from his car slowly. 

 

The sweater Ciel had been wearing was neatly folded on his doorstep. 

 

“Ciel?” He pushed the door open, looking into the living room. It was still a mess, but barren of the young boy. 

There was a sound from the kitchen. 

A shock of red hair was opening and closing cabinets with boredom. 

“Sutcliffe?! What the hell are you doing here?”

Grell turned around with a sadistic sort of smile. He sat on Sebastian’s counter and adjusted his glasses.

“Our little kitten needed his shirt back. I'm not surprised he couldn't find it earlier.” 

Grell lifted the collar of what had been a small white button-up shirt, one shoulder ripped and some of the buttons missing. 

“He wouldn't ever send you here! He's more obsessed with secrecy than even I am! Why are you really here? And how did you figure out..?”

“Oh, he told me, come on! You think just because he doesn't have a choice that he isn't friendly? And I told you why I'm here.” Grell sneered. He tossed the fabric into the air and caught it as he turned away, dropping himself into Sebastian’s desk chair and pulling the USB drive out of his laptop. 

“Ciel wasn't wearing white yesterday.” Sebastian gestured to the shirt in Grell’s fist as he crossed his own house and leaned forward to shut the computer in front of the intruder. “I should call the police right now.”

“Mm. You won't.” Grell purred, leaning back in the chair and swinging back and forth a bit. “And you know why you won't.”

Sebastian grit his teeth and stood. 

“What do you want? Say what you want to say, take what you want to take, and get out. I don't have the time for your ridiculousness.”

The glint of true enjoyment in Grell’s eye faded, and he brushed a hand through his hair before his smile left. 

“I'm still trying to protect Ciel.”

He finally scowled. “Not because I care about the kid; he can't stand me, the brat. I look after him because I didn't when I should have, and now he's in this mess, and I don't sleep well not doing anything. Which is probably why he dislikes me so much; as irritating as I find him, he's smart, and he knows I'm only around because I'm guilty. This is mine-” Grell held the drive up, flipping it around. “-And I'm taking it back, and Ciel asked me to give you back your sweater as long as I was on my way. I really shouldn't feel so indifferent to him, but I can't care less if he lives or dies. He's just another abandoned kid.”

“You're a fucked up asshole, Grell.”

“I'm only an agent of chaos, really. Things are far more interesting when nobody knows who holds what cards.” 

“You're just angry because Ciel did what you never could. He fought back, and no amount of pretending you relish in the hell you wreak will change that. I know what cards you hold, and they're all pathetic.” 

Grell pouted, but he stood up anyway. He passed around the desk and squared up to Sebastian until their shoes were almost touching. Grell reached up and straightened Sebastian’s collar, and Sebastian did not move. 

“You may be surprised to find,” Grell began, pocketing the USB file and moving for the door, “that I have quite a few aces up my sleeves. Ciao, Bassy!”

He ended it with a lilting laugh before disappearing. Sebastian immediately lurched forward, feeling like he was about to throw up. He slowly dropped to his knees and curled up against the leg of his desk, eyes cast to the ceiling as if in some half-assed prayer. 

He thought about praying. He wondered who he would pray to, what he would pray for, if he even partially expected some kind of response. 

He knew the things he wanted.

He wanted to see Ciel smile, really, truly smile, even if just for another second.

He wanted to feel like he had really done some good, instead of the damage he felt he’d made.

He wanted to be able to someday learn how to properly care for another person, to somehow properly hold a relationship, if not with Ciel than with someone equally deserving.

He wanted a drink.

He knew, however, that as badly as he wanted all these things, he could not have them, for the safety of himself and others, and no prayer could change that, for if he had learned anything from teaching religious ideas he scarcely believed in, it was that gods don’t work that way, none of them do. 

So he got up. He sat down at his desk, still warm from where Grell had invaded his home. He looked at the mess of the room around him, and he began to write. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll readily admit that I was not prepared to write this chapter, and I apologize-- Halloween prep took me further than I thought it would! But, now that it is over, I'll give my best towards consistency in writing, plot development, and updates. Thanks!

Sebastian received his own notification of Alois’ death as he was placing the cushions back on the couch. One of the headmistress’ secretaries had been dealt the unfortunate task of calling his professors and trying to explain the situation. Sebastian made all the right sounds, sat down, thanked her, and it wasn't until he actually hung up that he realized that it was  _ real _ . There was no going back to the way it was before; Alois was really, truly gone, and it was only a matter of time before everything that had been somehow held together by his strand in the web all fell down. Sebastian glanced at the four pages of an untitled document he’d begun typing on his laptop, and at the clock in the corner of the screen. He needed to get going, or he would be late to his class. 

He closed the tab without saving it and left the house, stepping over the sweater on the step before tossing it inside as an afterthought. He closed the door and checked that it was locked twice, though he wasn't quite sure why. There really wasn't anything valuable for a person to take, and he’d cleaned up after the previous night as thoroughly as he possibly could have. 

 

Ciel was in his seat when Sebastian came into his classroom. He kept his head down, his textbook open in his lap, and Sebastian realized he was listening to music. He had a notebook on his desk, and it was open, but he didn't seem to have written much down. Sebastian glanced at his watch. It was half an hour before class was supposed to start. 

He placed his own bag under his desk and also realized that the lights were off, though the sun outside seemed ample enough. He glanced up at Ciel. 

He’d changed into almost all black, the only exception being the ribbon at his neck, which was purple. 

Sebastian stared at it for another moment and realized that it was Alois’. 

Ciel still had not realized anyone else was in the room; he was holding a black eyepatch in the same hand as the one he held his book open with, and he read with both eyes. Well, he was trying to read; he was also crying silently. 

He had tried to get away, Sebastian realized, and couldn't find anywhere else to go. 

Sebastian stood on the other side of his desk, watching Ciel cry, and found he was helpless. He could not help Ciel through this; he wasn't even sure he could do anything for himself. 

As softly as he’d come, Sebastian left the room. 

He stood in the hallway, unsure of where to go, and caught a glimpse of white hair disappear at the end of the hall. 

He staggered back against the door, unsure if what he had witnessed was real. 

As he stared down the hall towards the ghost he thought he saw, someone came to stand very near him, as if waiting for him to move out of the doorway. 

Sebastian looked up, and there  _ he _ was, in person. 

Aleistor looked down slightly upon Professor Michaelis, frowning, wearing all black like Ciel and twisting a watch around his fingers. 

In an instant, Sebastian thought of nothing but how violently he wanted to kill the bastard. He thought of how easy it would be to do it; Sebastian may not have been particularly violent, but he knew how to take care of business, and this man may have been slightly taller than him, but Sebastian knew he would be more prepared. 

Before he could even remember that he was not supposed to know Aleistor or anything that had happened at all, Aleistor glanced up at the room number and back at Sebastian. 

“Room Six Hundred and Sixty-Six, huh? I see administration does have a sense of humor, after all. Isn't this the Religious Studies room?”

Sebastian glared. Aleistor didn't seem to notice. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and made a small ‘tsk’ing noise. 

As he put it away again, Sebastian got a glimpse of his lock screen, and it took everything he had to not throw a fist right there and then. 

Curled up, as if peacefully sleeping, his feet tucked under him in a sort of half-heart, Ciel slept on the screen. The photo looked like it certainly wasn't taken consensually. 

“Anyways, this is the Religious Study room, isn't it? I'm looking for a friend.”

Aleistor reached for the handle, and Sebastian immediately stepped in his way, crossing his arms. 

“I'm sorry. The room is only open to current students.”

Aleistor looked at Sebastian in mild surprise, as if he was little more than inconvenienced and confused. Then, his look became something much more dangerous and entitled. He smiled slyly. 

“I  _ am  _ a current student, buddy, and I don't think that's a real rule.”

“I am a professor,  _ buddy _ , and it's my classroom. I make the rules for it.”

Sebastian did not smile back. 

Aleistor seemed only mildly surprised. He stepped away, still smiling idly, and checked his phone again. 

“I suppose I am not too worried, after all.”

His phone began to ring, and he stepped away down the hall, answering it. 

Sebastian watched him go, tense. The door behind him opened softly, and Ciel made a small surprised sound as he ran right into Sebastian’s back. 

Sebastian grabbed his shoulders and held him back against the door frame, no longer caring what the security cameras may see.

Aleistor spoke to the person on the phone. It was faint, at the end of the hall as he turned out of it, following the other person, but Ciel still heard it well enough to realize who it was and collapse to his knees before Sebastian could catch him. 

“I can’t get the book now. He’s got some kind of gatekeeping asshole. Yeah, we’ll figure it out later. What? No, no, we’ll still get it taken care of. One psycho dead whore can't do much.”

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short moment of genuine unity in the wake of disaster, and a mutual understanding that we often do not get to have that which we desire.

 

Ciel hit the floor in silence, and his head slumped against the frame of the door. Sebastian knelt to him immediately, but found that he could only flutter uselessly. 

Ciel didn't want his help. 

Sebastian could do nothing. 

Ciel made a weak gasp for air and grabbed onto the frame of the door, slowly pushing himself back up. Hastily, he pulled his eyepatch back into place, and glanced up at Sebastian before the security camera at the end of the hall, and lowered his head. 

“I'm sorry. I heard voices, and thought there wasn't anyone nearby.”

Ciel turned back into the classroom. 

“Ciel…”

Sebastian let the door close behind him before he reached out to him, but Ciel softly pulled his wrist out of Sebastian’s hands and shook his head. He kept his head down and returned to his seat nearly silently. 

“Don't get yourself into trouble, Professor Michaelis. It will all work out.” He said quietly, closing his textbook and stacking his notebooks over it. 

Sebastian grit his teeth and sat at his desk. 

“What's in that notebook that they want so badly?”

Ciel bristled visibly. 

“My black book?”

“Yeah. What is it that they want so much?”

Ciel bit his lip. He didn't want Sebastian to get caught talking to him, but he very desperately wanted to talk to Sebastian. 

“It's...well, they may think I have more than I actually do…”

“Ciel! Finally! I was looking all over for you!”

Ciel jerked upright awkwardly as Lizzie slammed the door open, tripping over the front of her skirt. She had her phone in one hand and tissues clenched in the other. “Have--Have you heard, about Alois-”

“-Yes. I know.” 

He maneuvered down the awkward steps of the desks and jumped out onto the lecture floor very near to Lizzie. She bit her lip and gasped; it was obvious that she'd already been crying. Ciel hung back awkwardly as her shoulders fell forward. 

“You shouldn't be in class. You knew him too well.” She whimpered, fingers tightening around her tissues. Ciel hesitated, not responding, but she began to cry, and he pulled her into a hug tightly. She made a strangled whimper and hid her face in his shoulder, and Ciel stroked her hair and hushed softly, holding her in the most comforting way he knew how, but he did not cry. 

Students began to enter the classroom, but Ciel did not give, and they stepped around the two gingerly as Lizzie clutched the backs of Ciel’s shoulders, sobbing loudly. She leaned her entire weight into the young Phantomhive, and Professor Michaelis saw him wince from some kind of pain, but did not buckle. 

Gradually, her sobbing turned into quiet hiccups, her shaking fell to smaller trembles, and she began to breathe deeply. 

“Lizzie, class is starting…” Ciel reminded her quietly, though not forcefully in the slightest. Almost immediately, she jerked away from him and blinked carefully, finally realizing that there was nearly a full room of students all looking at her. She rubbed at her face roughly, and Ciel took her wrist and pulled it away from her face. “It's okay.” He murmured, brushing her hair back into place from where it had been crushed into his neck tenderly. “I'm going to miss him, too.”

Elizabeth nodded and dropped her eyes. She grabbed Ciel and hugged him, again, but with much more consolation on her part. 

“I--I just can't believe all this happened...why would he do that? What--what did we miss?”

The stair creaked as another student stood and descended onto the lecture floor. She looked first at Ciel, whose eye was open and seemingly bewildered, and then to Lizzie, who was beginning to cry again, and she wrapped an arm around Lizzie’s shoulders without speaking. The girl who had been sitting next to her got up, and then the boy next to her followed, and soon the entire class had amassed on the lecture floor, all reaching out towards the two in the very center. Ciel looked at Professor Michaelis through the conglomeration of humans and emotions. He was a grieving soul, but he was a dormant one too, patient, hurt, and in his gaze Sebastian felt familiar. Sebastian could see Ciel’s panic from so many bodies so close to him, and he could see the grief that comfort brought, but he did not see him cry. 

No, Ciel did not cry. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really working on getting over a hump in this work, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals. Hopefully I'll get my head on straight and get these characters back into, well, character, once I do.

On Thursday, Sebastian received an invitation for Alois’ visitation. Just the visitation, not the funeral itself. He deeply considered not accepting; it seemed incredibly disingenuous to arrive to a memorial for a person he had rarely spared a second thought to. At least, he thought over his laptop, another untitled document before him, at least he was not invited to Claude’s as well, like Ciel had been. 

He had not spoken to Ciel since Monday; it was the week before finals, and it wasn't like Ciel didn't already have too much going on. Sebastian found it ridiculously difficult to not spend every moment of class looking at him. Ciel seemed to be a far better actor than Sebastian; he was so convincingly uninterested in his professor that Sebastian half-entertained the idea that he'd merely imagined everything in a fit of psychosis. He couldn't have imagined how utterly alone Ciel was, not with the everyday onslaught of people trying to comfort him. It hadn't taken long for rumors to spread and be confirmed; Ciel and Alois used to be much closer than they were now, yet it seemed that nobody knew the cause of the rift. 

Sebastian could not believe that a formal investigation would take even so long to discover what had happened in the walls of Claude’s fraternity; they had been planning another party for that weekend before the funeral shut them down, and had to have had everything laid out in preparation. 

Every day, should Sebastian see him, Ciel clutched his black notebook close to his chest, but Sebastian never saw him open it. Curiousity was a dangerous thing. It seemed to lead to suspicion, and Sebastian found himself unsure of how Ciel had managed to keep something so valuable away from his abusers for so long.  _ What _ made it so valuable?

Sebastian glanced up. His class was in the middle of a textbook review, and he was watching a group of them try to download a copy of it on a laptop. He scowled nastily. He couldn't help it. What kind of disrespect was it to not purchase the textbook they'd used the entire year, and only try to find it once it was too late? 

He looked away, trying with all his might to not look at Ciel.

He didn't try hard enough. 

Lizzie was sitting on the ground, resting her arms in Ciel’s lap and her head on her arms as Ciel held the textbook open above her and quietly read vocabulary definitions. Though they were only two rows up, they were so quiet that Professor Michaelis could not hear them, but he assumed that it wasn’t going well; often, Ciel shook his head, and leaned forward to scribble down a note on Lizzie’s notebook. He didn’t seem uncomfortable that she was so close, literally on top of him. She moved her head to the other side, staring out the window. 

Sebastian looked back to Ciel’s face, trying to block out the girl and anything else. Trying not to think of how he doubted that anyone other than Lizzie was allowed to do what she was now doing. 

He looked  _ exhausted _ . Any trace of the little vitality he had had before was gone. Even as he spoke, he seemed to be slurring his words, and as he twirled a pen in his fingers, the movement was languid and watery. He was still dressed completely in black except, of course, Alois’ ribbon. 

Ciel looked up, and locked his eyes onto Sebastian’s. He stopped talking mid-word, and seemed terribly surprised that Sebastian was watching him. Lizzie lifted her head, and Ciel flushed. He jerked his head back down again, eye cast back to the book. Lizzie turned to look behind her, but Sebastian had long since turned his attention elsewhere. He felt like his stomach had just fallen out of his body. Did Ciel really seem surprised that Sebastian still paid attention? 

Sebastian wondered why he felt so lonely again. He had rarely felt so lonely in recent years, even though he was most often alone. 

If he had still been wondering that when he came home and quietly put away the empty drinking glass from the night before, he might have found his answer.


	21. Chapter 21

Sebastian didn’t bring anything to the visitation. He hd no idea what he was even  _ supposed _ to bring. Flowers seemed too typical. He didn’t even have a completely black suit, but he went in spite of it all. He was only intending to stop by for a few minutes, anyway. 

There were so many people milling around outside the funeral home that Sebastian wasn’t sure he would be able to even make it into the room set aside for Alois, but once he actually made it through the crowd of people waiting outside, found that the home was almost totally empty. He stood in the center of the parlor, looking around, unsure. The place looked about exactly as he imagined it would, all soft lights and gilt edges. He was comforted by the lack of smell that he had been suspicious of. 

Alois’ room had been set up with rows of at least a hundred and fifty chairs. Of them, maybe a dozen were occupied. 

Sebastian immediately felt that he wasn't supposed to be there. 

He made it into the room several steps, but when his eyes fell onto the casket, lid closed and surface polished, found that he was suffocating. 

He couldn't possibly stay. 

He turned to leave and found a figure lingering in the doorway. 

 

Ciel looked exactly as he had that entire week. 

 

From a distance, and had his hair been lighter, Sebastian could have easily mistaken him for Alois. 

He’d never put any thought towards it, but they had the same willowy frame and compact torso, same bright eyes, only now Ciel’s were dulled. 

He walked past Sebastian as if he didn't even exist, and the bouquet of white roses in his arms blocked his face from Sebastian’s view. He moved so quietly, so smoothly, that Sebastian almost didn't notice that he was limping. 

But he did notice, and Ciel was limping, very slightly to his left. 

He stepped all the way to the casket without wavering his attention for even a second, and laid the roses right on the casket’s flat top. 

There was no ribbon holding the roses. 

Instead, an old pink glow stick bracelet cinched the stalks together. 

Ciel knelt at the head of the casket and actually leaned his head against the wood. 

He whispered something to the body inside. 

He reached his hand up and pressed his fingertips against the casket in front of his mouth, and the other hand pulled his eyepatch free. 

He kept whispering, but his voice weakened little by little, until it finally broke, and he stopped. 

He took a deep, shaking breath, and continued murmuring. 

A woman crept through the aisle past Sebastian, and in the small amount of attention and time he devoted to moving out of her way, Ciel had stopped speaking. 

His breath came to him in short bursts, and he was baring grit teeth, eyes closed tight. 

The woman came up behind him, pulled out a camera, and the click of the shutter echoed through the room. 

Ciel jumped and hurled himself into a standing position, eyepatch falling back into place like it had never moved. 

“ _ What  _ do you think you are doing?!” 

Ciel snarled. 

Any of the softness he had shared with Alois was gone. 

“Well, I'm sorry, but my  _ job _ is to get photos people will eat up!”

The woman slanted her hips and crushed her hands over them. 

“You have no right to photograph here.”

Ciel kept his voice calm as the woman went shrill. “Did you even know him? Are you really just a journalist?”

Ciel began to shake, his entire body trembling. 

One of the men in the front row stood, and the woman began to sense that she was outnumbered. 

“Ma’am, I'm going to ask you politely to remove that photo from your camera and leave us in peace.”

“I'm sorry…” Ciel murmured to the man, but he raised his hand and Ciel fell silent. 

“You've got nothing to apologize for, son.” 

The woman crossed her arms and bent her hips the other way. Quietly, Ciel slipped away from the situation. 

“I've got every right to be in a public space, you know.”

“A privately rented funeral home is not a public space, ma’am. A boy is dead. Would you really like to make it any worse than it already is?”

Sebastian prepared to quietly leave as another man and the woman sitting next to him stood, and what looked like a director came quietly out of a side door. He did  _ not  _ want to be in another scene. 

“He commit suicide, didn't he? After killing another person!” 

The woman’s eyes lit up with glee, and Sebastian felt sick. This was not the place to discuss this. 

Ciel was already gone by the time the mourning man began to shout, and Sebastian backed out of the room with as little grace as he had ever had. 

 

As he passed back through the crowd of people outside, he realized that they were all journalists, but none of them seemed actually willing to step inside. Good for them, he thought, heading to the corner of the parking lot where his car sat in the shade. 

 

A single snowflake floated softly in front of his face, dancing to the ground, where it did not stick. Another fell, near his shoulder, and as he made it to his car, found that little white specks had covered the hood. 

Upon closer inspection, they were not snowflakes at all, rather little bits of a rose petal, torn into small pieces. 

He looked up as another came down. 

Ciel was reclined against the trunk of the tree Sebastian had parked under, perched on a branch several feet above Sebastian’s head. 

He had pulled the rose out of the lapel of his jacket and was plucking it apart, ripping each petal into pieces and dropping them. 

“You actually came. I wasn't sure you would.” He finally said. 

Sebastian climbed up to the hood of his car and sat facing Ciel. 

“After that mess in there, I almost wish I hadn't.”

Ciel gave a short laugh, but Sebastian felt the  _ hurt _ in his voice. 

“That lady had no right to be there. I--I’m never going to be able to see him again, and I--I just-”

“-It's okay. I get it.” Sebastian said softly. 

They sat in silence. 

Ciel pulled another petal loose, but didn't tear it apart. He just dropped it.

Sebastian reached out and caught it between his fingertips. He pressed a soft kiss to the petal. Ciel sat up abruptly.

“I'm sorry, Sebastian. I can't do this right now. I just--I just need to come to terms with this...on my own.”

“I know.” Sebastian nodded, and his eyes dropped to the torn petals around him. “It’ll be alright, Ciel.”

He continued to stare down, unsure of what he was about to do. 

“I love you, Ciel.” 

He finally said. 

He looked up. 

Ciel was gone, the remains of the rose resting in the crook of the tree. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, y'all. There's a few blank plot spaces coming up, so expect updates to be a little less timely as I work those out. Also, I'm working on another separate project, so good chunks of my time will be eaten up in that way, too. You can find more information on my blog, but until then, I hope y'all believe in me more than I believe in myself. 
> 
> Love all'a'y'all <3.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lel this document is 66 pages long in my google doc

The cat was still there, when Sebastian came back home, asleep in the sunlight on the counter. He was going to have to start buying food for her, he thought, before he remembered that he wasn't supposed to have pets. 

He stroked the top of her head and she woke with a purr, stretching into his touch. Sebastian smiled weakly and leaned against the counter. She began to move under his hand, almost using him to pet herself. 

“You should probably not be allowed on the countertop, huh?” He asked. 

She purred, her tail curling into a happy little  _ c _ . 

Sebastian laughed weakly, scratching under her chin. His smile fell slowly. “You’re really not going to leave, are you?” 

The cat rolled onto her back and batted for Sebastian’s hand. He patted idly at her belly. “If you follow Ciel, that means you don’t know where he is, either?”

She rolled her lower hips and let her tail wrap around Sebastian’s wrist.

She was a cat. She was not worried in the affairs of those who fed her, so long as they continued to feed. When Sebastian said “Hey, stop moving!”, she heard nothing. 

Sebastian pulled his hand out of the little cat’s paws and she opened her eyes again. One was green, the other blue, as he thought he’d seen. 

Sebastian smiled again. 

 

No wonder Ciel liked her.

 

Sebastian gave a sigh, and stood straight. 

Everything felt too calm, too bland, on his own. 

He didn't understand why; he'd almost always been alone before. It had never felt lonely, not really. Or had he just never thought about it? 

Overthinking made his head hurt. All he could think about was how badly he wanted to know if Ciel was okay. 

Of course he was, he tried to convince himself. Ciel had plenty of people to go to and be with, people who understood the process of mourning, people who could help him far more than Sebastian. He would be alright. 

But had he ever gone to those people before? Lizzie was completely clueless to everything that had happened, or at least she appeared to be. Ciel himself had admitted that he next to never spoke to his aunt. Sebastian assumed there were many others before he finally crashed into Ciel’s life. And that had been pure coincidence. 

Dazed with his own anxiety, Sebastian wandered into his living room and collapsed on the couch. Ciel would be alright, wouldn't he? He had been fine before he met Sebastian, he would be fine now. Well, that wasn't true; he was definitely  _ not _ fine before Sebastian found him, he was barely even alive! 

Sebastian sat up, only to sit back down. He lay down and rested his head on his hand, only to roll over and stand again restlessly. He felt jittery. 

Sebastian knew there was whiskey still in the cabinet, but he couldn't even bear to think of what would happen if he started to drink now. Not even a bit, he told himself, pacing the length of his living room. 

He paced to his desk and looked down. He had started another word document, still unnamed, though much shorter than the last one. 

 

_ “Humans are not always meant to make sense, nor are they meant to explain themselves. Ciel Phantomhive was one of those humans, and he did not have to explain why.” _

 

No. No, it wasn't right. It didn't fit; it wasn't good enough. 

He sat down and pulled his chair close to the desk. He could do better than that, he thought, and he began to write again. 

 

He didn't know what he was supposed to talk about; he thought about how he’d become a professor, almost an accident; he thought about the funeral he had just attended; he thought about when he was seventeen, and he heard a shotgun fire somewhere in the recesses of his memories. 

None of that seemed good enough. 

 

He thought about Ciel; he thought about how his face should have been made to smile, but it rarely did, and he thought about how his small hands would push his hair away when he truly intended to smile, so Sebastian knew he meant it. He thought about the sound Ciel made in the back of his throat when he woke up quickly, and about the softer one that came from somewhere in his chest when he woke softly. 

 

He’d started with writing about Ciel. He could do that again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All joking aside, this fanfiction is way, way longer than I had ever expected, and the story has changed so much, it's like a thing of its own entirely. I hear the cries (I really do!), but there will still be a "sad" ending. I hope we all stay to see it.


	23. Chapter 23

 

It was two days later before Sebastian really came out of his awkward writing-obsessed stupor. 

Once he had started writing, he didn't stop; every second of the time he spent awake was at his computer or over a notebook, scratching down words like it was the only thing he was ever meant to do. He gave his students reviews and he typed for the rest of class. He hardly even looked at Ciel anymore.

 

Well, that wasn't quite true. 

 

He still spent a lot of time looking at Ciel. Remembering how he had looked at other times. Wondering how he ever lived without seeing his face. 

He felt stupid with how enamored he was. Some part of him knew that it was a helpless infatuation, but he was so convinced that he had truly fallen in love with Ciel that he was somehow okay with being infatuated. 

It would've been nice to know that the feeling was mutual, he supposed. Ciel was still expertly avoiding his professor, even as the final day of the term drew nearer and nearer. The final exam was supposed to be done online; how could he even leave a simple note? Oh, he knew how unprofessional, how  _ illegal _ , he was being, but at least if the test was digital he could prove that Ciel’s scores would be excellent not out of favoritism or coercion, but out of legitimate skill. And Sebastian was certain that Ciel’s scores would be excellent; how could they not be? Every second he saw of Ciel, the boy was studying. Sebastian found himself terribly confused over the dilemma of if he was proud of Ciel for being so diligent as a usually-disgruntled professor or an interested lover. 

Both could be okay, right?

No, not really. He knew that. 

He just didn't want to know it. 

 

The third day was final day, and Sebastian almost wished he had stayed in his writing craze as he sat at his desk for the two hours his students tried to take their exams on slow school internet. He watched Lizzie fly with seemingly no effort, and felt that he would see remarkable improvement from her. She was already good, but studying with Ciel appeared to have made her more confident. 

Sebastian looked over to Ciel, and startled. 

Ciel was barely awake, cheek squished against his hand, answering questions with as little movement from his wrist as possible. He looked bored, and lazy, and tired. 

He looked exactly as he always had, Sebastian thought, but Sebastian now expected something different somehow. 

An odd feeling settled in the pit of his stomach, something queasy, and he worried, again, that he had done something terribly wrong to Ciel. 

Lizzie finished her exam faster than anyone else in the room, and Professor Michaelis smiled slyly as her score appeared on his screen, a ninety-seven out of one hundred. He looked up at her, already reading her own score and beaming. The pride at her improvement was a welcome distraction from the self-inflicted nausea, and she caught her professor’s eye with an even-wider grin. He gave her a silent thumbs-up and she closed her laptop happily. It made Sebastian happy in a soft way that sort of filled his chest, that his students were improving. 

 

Unfortunately, as the end of the two hours came near, he found that she seemed to be a strong outlier. Most of the tests floated between seventy and eighty, with a good number sinking under fifty. 

He glanced over the names, finding that Ciel hadn't yet completed his exam. Sebastian looked up from his computer. 

Ciel was rubbing his eye wearily, clicking through questions. He seemed to be going back through his test, something Sebastian never remembered him doing. There were only ten minutes left, and Sebastian wondered if Ciel had kept track of the time. 

Almost as soon as he had wondered, Ciel made a final click and leaned back. He looked to Sebastian and made eye contact for the first time in days. 

He tucked his hair behind his ear and grinned cockily. 

Sebastian stared, shocked, slightly flustered. 

He refreshed his page, and smiled softly. 

 

**Ciel Phantomive: 100/100**

 

Ciel stretched with a catlike yawn, shaking his hair back into his face, and sullened, but the ghost of his smile still lingered. 

  
  


Sebastian knew better than to expect Ciel to stick around after class, but he was still hurt that he never even saw him leave. 

Oh, well. He needed to enter the final grades anyway. 

 

After an additional two hours of leaning over his computer, entering grades, double-checking scores, and ignoring pleading e-mails from students who’d failed, Professor Michaelis stretched over the back of his chair, closed his computer, and packed up to go home. 

 

He didn't startle when he turned to the doorway and found someone in it. 

Professor Sutcliffe leaned his head against the frame, arms crossed, a cruelly suspicious smile on his lips. 

“Well, look at what the cat dragged in.”

“Only if the cat is your ‘little kitten’.” Grell purred, and Sebastian imagined that if he’d had a tail, it would've swung with amusement. 

“What do you want?”

“To tell you that you have no idea what's going on.”

“You tried this already. I don't care.”

“I'm trying to actually help you!”

Grell snarled suddenly, stepping into the room. 

Sebastian straightened. 

Grell pouted dramatically, knowing Sebastian wasn't going to handle his games. “I'm serious, you don't know what's going on, and it's dangerous.”

“Would you stop with this? What makes you think I care, anyway?” 

An idea sprang to mind suddenly, and Sebastian relished in the shock it seemed to bring to Grell’s face. 

“What?”

“Ciel passed my class. It's none of my concern, anymore.”

“Did you really only care about that score? Oh, Sebastian, you terrible bastard! I love it.” 

“Was that all?” 

Sebastian feigned checking a watch. 

“I've kinda got somewhere to be.” He lied. 

The smile strained on Grell’s face. He brushed a hand through his ridiculous hair.

“I’m not going to stop you,not now that you’re not sticking your nose where it might get cut off. But hey, you should drop by my classroom, Bassy.”

Sebastian shouldered past him, hitting the lights with more force than he’d intended. “You might learn something you’d really want to know.”

 


	24. Chapter 24

“I missed you almost as much as Sebastian, but don't tell Sebastian that.”

 

Sebastian froze, hand on his own front door. 

Had he really heard that?

 

He pushed the door open.

 

Ciel was sitting cross-legged at Sebastian’s desk, petting the little cat who was  _ far _ too excited to see him. 

The cat was flipping herself onto her back and then standing again to leap into Ciel’s lap, only to decide that he couldn't pet her all that well and jump back onto the desk. 

Ciel laughed, and it was a true, bubbly, happy laugh. 

As he pet her with one hand, he was twirling his phone in the other, swinging his legs, which were too short to reach the ground from Sebastian’s chair. Near his elbow, the little black notebook was closed, and his eyepatch was folded overtop of it neatly. 

“Why don't you lock your door, Sebastian?”

Ciel looked up, still joyous. 

Sebastian hung his computer bag on the hook behind the door as he kicked his shoes off. 

“I don't have anything worth stealing. Why did you try the door to find out?”

Ciel rested his chin on his hand, his eyes glimmering as he smiled. 

“I missed you, and this little one.” 

Though he sneezed almost upon contact, he rubbed the cat’s belly gently. 

Sebastian bit his grin back to a calm smile, his heart fluttering. 

“You...how are you? How are doing?”

Sebastian didn't want to kill the moment, but he needed to know. 

Ciel dropped his eyes, and blew out a breath awkwardly. 

“...Better. It always gets better.”

He leaned back in Sebastian’s desk chair. Sebastian noticed for the first time that day that Ciel wasn't wearing black, but he was still wearing Alois’ ribbon. “...The police have figured out why Alois lost it, if that's what you mean, and I’ve moved into Alois’ old place, if you meant that. The cops managed to keep most of their investigation and discoveries under wraps, but the press is relentless, and the police don't want me to speak to anyone about it. When I finally have the opportunity to testify, they want me to do so quietly...I find it disrespectful.” 

He sighed, almost pouting. Sebastian wavered where he stood, awkwardly, and Ciel perked up with a shiver. “Did you see my score? How’d everyone do?”

He leaned forward again, but didn't smile. Sebastian moved towards the desk, stretching.

“You were absolutely excellent, but I can't say the same for the entire class. Lizzie did very well, though. I was proud of her.”

Sebastian sidled in between Ciel and the desk, leaning against it. 

“Good. She studied really hard for it.”

Ciel crossed his legs in Sebastian’s chair, and gave him a sly look. “Do you want your seat back?”

Sebastian smiled just wide enough for his teeth to show.

“If I did, I'd just take it.” 

Ciel chuckled, and leaned forward. He wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s waist and pressed his cheek into his stomach. 

It was the first time Ciel actively sought out contact from Sebastian, and Sebastian brushed Ciel’s hair back. 

“M’tired.” Ciel finally mumbled. “I'm so tired.”

Sebastian didn’t know what to say. If he said he knew, he’d be lying, because he had no idea how Ciel had been or even what had happened, but if he said he didn’t know, it would also be a lie, because had stood by to watch Ciel’s exhaustion. 

“I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for everything that has made you so tired. I would suggest you get some sleep, but...It’s a different kind of exhaustion, I know. And it can't be healed by sleep.”

Ciel didn't answer. He just rubbed his cheek against Sebastian, and closed his eyes.  

His little hands were cold against Sebastian’s back, but not in an entirely off-putting way. 

Sebastian knelt slowly, and Ciel let his arms rest around Sebastian’s shoulders, leaning his face against Sebastian’s neck. Sebastian wrapped his own arms around Ciel’s waist, but kept his grip gentle, afraid of the fragility of the young man. 

Needless to say, he was surprised when Ciel went limp against him, actually falling asleep in their awkward position. He had known that Ciel was being honest; he just hadn't expected him to be so comfortable with Sebastian. 

Slowly but with little effort, Sebastian lifted Ciel in his arms, who did not stir. He crossed his living room, opened the door to his bedroom, and laid Ciel in his bed only after kicking his dirty clothes into the corner. 

Ciel fell into Sebastian’s bed with a quiet sigh, sinking deep into the mattress. That mattress was terrible for Sebastian; it was possibly the softest bed he had ever felt, but he had gotten it for free after helping his old college roommate renovate a foreclosure, and could never justify replacing it. But seeing Ciel so comfortable, Sebastian thought that he would rather pay a thousand dollars for a mattress that would make Ciel seem so serene than ever sleep alone in a bed firm enough for himself. 

He looked out his open bedroom door to the desk. Ciel’s black book was still there, and Sebastian was actually standing by the coffee table before he stopped himself. 

He looked back towards his bedroom, where a too-soft bed hosted a too-hard little soul, and again to the closed leather-bound book that seemed so coveted. 

Ciel had said that his functioning owners seemed to think he had more than what he actually had; what  _ did _ he actually have? Was it really worth it to know? 

  
  


Sebastian tossed his jacket on the couch, and laid down next to Ciel. 

He pulled him against his chest gently, and dropped his head to the pillows. 

Ciel reached up, possibly awake but possibly asleep, and rested his hand on Sebastian’s jaw. The very tips of his fingernails reached his scars, and for what must have been the first time ever, Sebastian thought that maybe, someone had loved him as much as he loved them. 

He pressed a kiss to the crown of Ciel’s head, and fell asleep with Ciel’s hair stuck to his smiling lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO my brain is dead i just wanted them cute and happy

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is forgottenwoundsartist, and there I will post update notifications and art that may go along with my fanfictions. Check me out!


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